Because Rudy Giuliani ended his campaign for America’s terrorism mayor yesterday, and because the kids enjoy top 10 lists (like on the David Letterman show), and because it is the most obvious opportunity to strike since 9/11, here is your list of the best Giuliani references to America’s Holiday in the Sun, 9/11. After this, we hope to never speak about either Rudy Giuliani or 9/11 again. The very existence of Rudy’s campaign, after all, proved that the terrorists had won a long time ago.
10 – 7: Do you have any idea how long it takes to read the entire Giuliani archive over the past year? We stopped after six references, but this will remain a Top 10 list because of, again, David Letterman’s magnetic appeal. So these four vague references we can summarize as: He ran because he was in New York City on 9/11 and “directed” city workers to… fix it. He also made this African video at some point in his life.
6: After Rudy placed sixth in the Iowa caucus, all the newspaper and teevee reporters wanted to know if this in any way “worried him,” it being sixth place and all. But he told the New York Daily News that it didn’t, although another time in his life something else happened and, indeed, he was worried: “None of this worries me – Sept. 11, there were times I was worried.”
5: After Hillary sobbed like a little whore in New Hampshire, the folks at MSNBC wanted to know if the Mayor of Everything ever sobbed. And he did, at the various 9/11 funerals! Was this because of the death surrounding him? Or was it then when he realized he could turn this into a lucrative “security” firm as well as a failed presidential bid?
4: When Rudy’s firewall in Florida collapsed — other humans forgot he existed after a while — he knew just the trick to win over those similarly one-track-minded Floridians: mention that 9/11 and hurricanes are both bad things, and that he should be the president by default.
3: Muslims are torturing, killing, Americans are dying, a religion bastardized, fires, mayhem, planes, illegal guns, Iran, nuclear weapons, fear, fear, jihad, Al Qaeda, no freedom, rape, Muslim rape. Image of World Trade Center rubble. Rudy’s best ad.
2. Rudy was on fire one night before the John Birch society, which drinks as much if not more blood than Rudy on a Saturday night. He let it all out:
“This war ends when they stop coming here to kill us!” Giuliani said in his speech. “Never, ever again will this country ever be on defense waiting for [terrorists] to attack us if I have anything to say about it. And make no mistake, the Democrats want to put us back on defense!”
Giuliani said terrorists “hate us and not because of anything bad we have done; it has nothing to do with Israel and Palestine. They hate us for the freedoms we have and the freedoms we want to share with the world.”
1. In September — the same month that 9/11 happened several years ago — an “independent, non-denominational grass-roots campaign to raise $10,000” organized a special “theme” for its fundraiser: it requested $9.11 donations for a delightful fear party. The Giuliani team distanced itself from the private event after, you know, the media heard about it, and they even returned the $9.11 donations after many weeks. This may not have been Rudy himself, but nothing more accurately described the Giuliani Campaign’s basis for existence, ever.
Now we can officially forget all about 9/11, because it makes people sad!