Since January 2001, when our then-new President Bush gave his first fake State of the Union address — it was actually a “budget message,” as he had only been in the White House a few hours and hadn’t yet screwed up the country forever — America has gathered together for one glorious evening each January for our most precious freedom. Yes, we are talking about binge drinking while George W. Bush mispronounces common words on the teevee.
This evening, Bush Junior will give his “probably final State of the Union address,” according to the Washington Post. That means we’re “probably” having our last SOTU drink fest with our beloved leader before he escapes to exile in Paraguay. So let’s make it “probably” the best drinking game ever!
Pick your channel, but make sure it’s a cable channel and not one of those lame old broadcast networks with their decorum and whatever. You need to see actual crazy people such as Chris Matthews or Lou Dobbs or Brit Hume jabbering about this dumb speech. If possible, watch all three cable channels at the same time — and go ahead and reserve the ambulance now, because calling 911 midway through the State of the Union is like trying to call Domino’s at half time on Super Bowl Sunday.
Take a demure little sip whenever anyone:
* Says “legacy.”
* Brings up 9/11.
* Mentions the 2000 election.
* Mentions the Florida recount.
Repeat when Bush himself mentions any of the above.
Take a regular American-sized gulp if anyone mentions:
* Bush Sr.
* Global Warming.
Repeat when Bush himself mentions any of the above.
One shot of liquor when you hear the word(s):
* Mark Foley.
* Dennis Hastert.
* Ted Kennedy.
Drink one shot simultaneously from three different parts of your living room when somebody says:
* Lee Harvey Oswald.
Take a solid hit off your drink when you see:
* Any noble public servants — teachers, nurses, etc. — who will spend the rest of their lives in underpaid obscurity.
Do a body shot off the closest human or pet when you spot:
* Jenna and/or Barbara Bush
Have gay sex with someone or some thing when the camera stops on:
* Lynne or Mary Cheney.
Sullenly sip your Old Fashioned when:
* George H.W. Bush is shown all misty eyed in the audience, while Grandma Babs laughs at some poor black people.
Distinguished Senators & Representatives
Finish your current drink when the teevee lingers on:
* Any member of the Kennedy clan.
Pull down your pants and hobble to the bathroom when you see:
* Larry Craig
The State of the State of the Union Speech
Okay, happy hour’s over and it’s time for our main event. You’ll want to assemble the drinking supplies close by the teevee, so you don’t miss a moment of this historic bullshit. Don’t be the kind of anti-American loser who needs to “find the salt” when things get ugly. Be prepared. If you aren’t ready to be American, we’re sure France would love to have you back. (Just kidding. They don’t want you, either.)
It’s George’s last big speech! Prepare five (5) shot glasses per person, and fill each with 1.5 (one point five) ounces of liquor. (If you can’t handle real booze, make five little margaritas or something, and make sure to get your mom’s permission first!) It is okay to chill your liquor if that’s what you like to do.
Behind this “surge line,” assemble a second “surrender line” of secondary beverages. If you like beer, just put the six pack right there where it can’t get lost. Winos will just need a bottle of wine, uncorked and ready, and maybe a wine glass. Hell, put out a bowl of rummed-up eggnog if that’s how you want to act. You can also put a jug of water on the floor under the table, by the gun, as long as nobody can see it.
If you’re Christopher Hitchens, just put the scotch on the table where it always is, and drink as usual.
Take a regular drink when Bush:
* Dorkily praises Nancy Pelosi.
* Lies about the economy.
* Lies about the housing market.
* Lies about health care.
* Lies about Iraq.
* Lies about “energy independence.”
When he looks all proud of himself for successfully, if awkwardly, pronouncing a common three-syllable word:
* Drink one Shot.
Should he jabber about going to Mars or whatever the hell space stuff that would maybe at best happen 15 or 20 years from now, when he’s buried in Paraguay:
* Two shots, chase with half a bottle of beer or three gulps of wine, run around the couch three times flapping your arms.
He makes tragic examples out of various disaster victims brought here by extraordinary rendition, like the people who had their town destroyed by the Monster Tornado:
* Put a little liquor in your eye so you kind of start crying, then drink what’s left of the shot.
Wow, did our president make a light-hearted yet poignant totally scripted thing about Jenna getting married and/or watching his little girls grow up in the White House, where they’ve never lived:
* Three shots, but kind of gag on that last one and spit it up on the couch. Order a pitcher of strawberry margaritas from your neighbors.
He patriotically notes the patriotic example of Iraq veterans missing various body parts because they got blown up in Iraq for ever-changing bullshit reasons:
* One shot, one entire beer, throw the empties at
the teevee your host.
Oh, and who is that handsome bulbous white devil behind the president? Why, that’s Dick Cheney! When he does “that grin,” you must:
* Grab another person’s shot, drink it, spit it in their eyes, take their wallet, then have them arrested and tortured forever.
ALTERNATE RULES: Just drink through the whole fucking thing and then pass out in the hall just outside your own bedroom.