Uh, that was the break? Was that even two minutes? What about the old people who need a little time to use the facilities? What about your editor who can see the liquor store from his window? Anyway, here we are, solving America’s problems, around the old mill table.
9:21 PM — (Liveblogging Part One is here, Liveblogging Part Two is here.)
9:22 PM — Each of the candidates would like their respective races and genders to vote for them.
9:23 PM — But John Edwards is going to walk in the shadow of Dr. King, which is a pretty weird riff on “And yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.”
9:24 PM — Hillary was actually helping all the poor with her fancy lawyering.
9:25 PM — It was, in many ways, a legal mill.
9:25 PM — Also, she is going to give us money.
9:26 PM — John Edwards just gave Barry Obama a completely gay little “fun slap” while talking about reading Barry’s papers in bed.
9:27 PM — Really, that happened. We will get the clip up shortly.
9:27 PM — Obama will somehow make you forget people are women or white or black or whatever. We are going to turn into spirit beings.
9:28 PM — John’s trying to touch Obama again. What did we say about the porn appetites of South Carolina?
9:30 PM — Whoa, the signal just went out. Right when they mentioned Nobel Prize Winning Black Person Al Gore.
9:31 PM — Well, finally we get to watch everyone be very uncomfortable. Was Bill Clinton the first black president? Does that make Chelsea a mulatto?
9:33 PM — Ah, jesus, the sitting-down-’round-the-table really brings the bullshit out, doesn’t it?
9:33 PM — Hey, Frederick Douglas is Hillary’s hero, too? If her favorite Rolling Stone is Charlie Watts, we might just have a deal.
9:34 PM — Who else is looking forward to the “our nation is disgraced” part of the general campaign?
9:37 PM — So, being a poor black woman is still a pretty bad deal, is that right?
9:37 PM — Hillary notes that the Republicans aren’t really talking about the sorrows of the poor black people in jail, the poor brown people working for crap money, the poor people in general. That’s because Republicans have more important things to worry about, like this freakin’ stock market tanking. Yikes!
9:39 PM — Wolf Blitzer just described John Edwards as “The Song of the South.” Did we hear that correctly?
9:40 PM — Yes, we all remember those shocking pictures from New Orleans’ Lower 9th Ward, when John Edwards got dirt on his nose.
9:40 PM — Whoa, hey, the Suzanne CNN gal just told Hillary to tell Bill to TONE IT DOWN.
9:42 PM — Hillary counters that she’s got 35 years of experience being “married” to Bill, so what are you really going to do about it?
9:44 PM — Obama gets a laugh by saying one great thing Bush/Cheney have done is give the Republicans a very bad name. And everybody cracks up. You think Bush and Cheney are watching this on teevee tonight? If so, did that part make them feel kind of shitty? Nah.
9:45 PM — Let’s just give McCain a golf clap, one more time. We sure as hell didn’t expect John McCain to be considered the probable nominee a year ago, or six months ago.
9:46 PM — Hey, where did John Edwards grow up again? HINT: It rhymes with “Hill’s mouth” and he says it EVERY DAY.
9:51 PM — Wolf Blitzer is trying to lure us over to CNN Politics dot com, where “there’s a raging discussion,” according to Wolf. Let’s take a look.
9:52 PM — Barry says he won big in Elko, Nevada, by 30 points. That is good, but there are only four Democrats in Elko, and one is this polar bear.
9:53 PM — Obama also wants us to know that Muslims such as Obama also believe in the real Jesus Christ.
9:54 PM — Hillary says she can kick John McCain’s withered old walnut ass, because she knows him, and the same Republicans who hate McCain also hate Hillary. Wait, what?
9:55 PM — John Edwards only takes his millions from the women, children, pets and lawyers of the Corporate Lobbyists.
9:56 PM — LEAVE JOHN EDWARDS ALONE! He is only using his millions from the lobbyists to help the “little people.” Edwards just locked up the midget vote.
10:00 PM — So what’s going on over at CNN.com, anyway? Well, there’s this:
An e-mailer named Tiffany responded sarcastically: “Duh, I’m a black woman and here I am at the voting booth. Duh, since I’m illiterate I’ll pull down the lever for someone. Hm… Well, he black so I may vote for him… oh wait she a woman I may vote for her… What Ise gon’ do? Oh lordy!”
10:00 PM — Hooray, we are completely out of time!
10:01 PM — Wolf asks, “If Dr. King were alive today?” We boldly answer, “He would be 78. Or a few months older than, say, Clint Eastwood.”
10:04 PM — Barack Obama knows MLK wouldn’t endorse Barack Obama.
10:04 PM — It’s over, hooray!
10:05 PM — Thanks for the fun debate, everybody. Well, it was sort of fun. Not “fun,” exactly, but not as lame as the last one.
10:08 PM — Good night, everybody! Thanks for playing.
GIVE US MONEY! -