Mittens to Singlehandedly Save U.S. Auto Industry

Mittens is the only businessman running for President, and that means he knows how to run businesses. Thus, as President, he will rescue the dying U.S. auto industry by bringing jobs back and making them profitable again. His plans for that are a little sketchy — something about tax credits and relaxing fuel efficiency standards — but he’s a businessman running for President so he knows what to do to fix an entire industry that has been sucking wind for at least a decade. Also, the Michigan primary is tomorrow and the economy there sucks but he’ll change that if Obama, Hillary or Edwards hasn’t copyrighted the word “change” yet. [Boston Globe]