Hey Glenn Beck, How Was Your Butt Surgery?

glennbeck1.jpgDear CNN Headline News dingus Glenn Beck — thanks for letting us know all about your ASS SURGERY on esteemed website CNN.com today under the common guise of “Put the ‘care’ back in health care.” I know this doesn’t sound appealing. But it’s solid.

Hahaha WHAT?:

My “routine” outpatient surgery (which was on my butt — get all your sophomoric jokes out of the way now) went awry and I was in terrible, excruciating pain. To help, my doctors who were absolutely fantastic, created a sinister cocktail of pain medications so strong that it’s usually reserved only for Hollywood starlets. It included morphine, Percocet, Toradol, some sort of synthetic morphine derivative on a pump, and my personal favorite — Fentanyl, which my doctor told me is an opiate 80 times more powerful than morphine.

That combination took me to an incredibly dark place. I began having trouble breathing, and I started to hallucinate. Every time I closed my eyes it was like I entered my very own movie theater running the movie “Saw” on a loop. I would see horrific, unimaginable images of death and after two and a half days, the combination of pain and hallucinations drove me to a point where I was literally suicidal. It felt like there was no hope and, quite honestly, if I could have ended it all right at that moment I probably would have (Sorry to disappoint some of you).

And that’s the story of how Glenn Beck’s minor ass surgery scored him lots of great drugs which made him “suicidal.”

Glenn Beck: Put the ‘care’ back in health care [CNN]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • GaySailor

    Glenn, Glenn, Glenn… the scary hallucinations are just a taste of where “good Republicans” like you are going to go for an eternity some day! bwahahahahaa!

  • Hurahura

    What Beck needs is BRAIN surgery…..the delicate kind, like a frontal lobotomy.