The votes are in! No, not in your silly American primary election; I’m talking about The Foreigns, who got one look at last week Malaysian sex tape scandal and voted with their cameras, genitals, and fists. “Yes!” they said, in their Foreign languages. “I too want to do titillating things on camera that will end my political career forever!” After the jump: The Foreigns do it live on TV and/or film, for your entertainment.
GREECE: Culture Ministry devolves into sex, suicide, madness
35-year-old archaeologist Evi Tzekou is in jail after DVDs surfaced of her and married boyfriend Christos Zachopoulos, a high muckety-muck in the Ministry of Culture, getting it on. Specifically, the DVDs, which were mysteriously sent to anyone in Greece with any kind of authority or influence from the Prime Minister on down, contained over 100 hours of sex footage starring the cheatin’ pair. Really! 100 hours! That’s … that’s a lot. Especially when you consider that journalists who have seen the video dismiss it as “typical bedroom action” — so, no S&M, scat, or DPs, we guess? Can 100 hours of vanilla really sustain anyone’s viewing interest? Tzekou maybe wanted a full-time job with the ministry, or maybe just wanted 200,000 euros up front, or maybe wanted her boyfriend to rezone archaeological land so that developers could build crap on it. Who knows? We don’t, because Zachopoulos hurled himself off of a fourth-story balcony and is now conveniently in a coma. Not to be outdone, Tzekou’s own lawyer couldn’t take the pressure of representing an accused blackmailer and threw himself in front of a van. He also survived, proving the old adage that Greeks are failures at everything.
HONDURAS: Foreign Minister is straight-up gangsta
Alcohol and politicians: They’ve gone together well since days of Caligula! In Honduras, though, the local Foreigns are poor, which means that even important government officials lack chauffeurs to ferry their drunk asses from cocktail party to cocktail party. This spelled disaster for Foreign Minister Milton Jiminez (Milton?), who got picked up for drunk driving by the cops. Did they pat him on the head and send him off to his next important gin-soaked diplomatic affair? They did not; they took him down to the station for a sobriety test. Did he apologize and call a government driver to take him home where he could sleep it off? He did not; he got into a fistfight with the police. That’s right, a cabinet minister got into a brawl with a bunch of cops. Has Condi ever even been rude to a security guard? Naturally the whole thing was recorded on someone’s cell phone camera and broadcast everywhere. He then went on TV to quit his job, proudly displaying the shiner that the pigs gave him and saying that it was a mistake to drive drunk. It wasn’t a mistake to punch a cop, though. Milton Jiminez will punch a cop if a cop needs punching.
BULGARIA: Middlebrow Balkan losers unable to understand concept of “art film”
If you were watching some sleazy porno, say, and it featured children sexually assaulting each other and then taking drugs, you’d probably be outraged about the line that had been crossed. But what if it were in black and white, and was being shown in your local art house movie theater? Well, then, you’d know right away that what you had on your hands was hard-hitting experimental cinema that shows the world as it really is, man. That’s because you live in American, a media-savvy nation where our nimble minds are trained from birth to make these kinds of distinctions! But to our “little brothers” in Bulgaria, the “it’s an art film!” excuse doesn’t really go over very well. Particularly when the scenes of rape and junkiedom were filmed in a government-run orphanage — oops! Outrage is had, investigations are called for, heads will roll, etc. The scandalous footage is a preview for the film “Baklava”, and director Alekso Petrov says that “authorities are showing fake concern” and “he has nothing to explain.” Go see the movie for yourself, Bulgarians! Possibly several times! Then report back!