Hey look fellas, Johnny “I motivate people by talking about insurance companies” Edwards has won the New Hampshire town elections! Wait — how can 100% of precincts be reporting? Isn’t this election supposed to go on for a while, like at least several more years? Something here smells like bullshit… and this Politico results map is also false. Although Hillary’s 5.9% seems just a tetch too REAL. Anyway, what else is going on in Manch Vegas today?
* President Mitt Romney might actually win! He’s neck-and-neck with WALNUTS! in the latest flash polls, and I’ve seen for the first time EVER today actual non-preppy humans carrying Mittens’ signs! This is quite a change in strategy for Mittens, who went on the record several times as governor of Massachusetts to ban the lower and middle classes from campaigning for him.
* The Paultards are surprisingly silent today, maybe because the New Republic took Ron Paul’s reputation, blew it up, nuked it a few times, poured salt and dead kitty heads over the remains and then took a nitroglycerine piss on whatever mattered remained.
* This is good, since they’re trying to kill Liz.
* Obama’s going to win, see, so we’re going to his party at “Nashua High School.” Hopefully it will be like the other Obama stuff and have the hottest attendees, and hopefully they’re of age.