Mike Huckabee just went on the teevee sets to congratulate himself for winning Iowa. He is a happy Jesuser tonight! But as we all know about Jesusers, that happiness only conceals a disbelief in evolution. Still, congrats to Huck — I transcribed his speech in real time. Although I may have gotten a word or 200 wrong…
“I want Chuck to hear this shit. Chuck, please stand here, thank you, thank you Chuck.
“I won, but it was really my wife. Janet — JANET is great, damnit. Know who else are great? My kids. Little FUCKED UP but they made it through — just look who’s their dad! Hahaha. That was another of my hilarious jokes.
“Oh but to get serious, gotta get serious — this election about the people. People hold the vote in this country, not the Knights of the Roundtable, or the House of Plantagenet. It’s people who vote in this country, and that’s why I won — because I was running against Subzero from X-Men, and he is… some ice creature.
“Lemme tell ya a word or two about convictions. Mine involve Jesus, and most things about him. Yours don’t? That’s fine too! In a Huckabee America we’ll… figure out what to do with you later.
“Hope. It continues to NOT BE ABOUT ME! OR THE HOUSE OF LORDS! It’s about the SLAVES, GO SLAVERY (whoops, too far Mike! I’m always doing that, because I’m funny and I get carried away).
“I’m gonna quote G.K. Chesterton, because I’m a conservative asshole and that’s what we ALWAYS do. But this election is not about G.K. Chesterton either.
“The Greatest Generation, it’s those old guys whose asses I’m kissing right now — They fought Hitler in the Spanish Civil War after all! Wait… my foreign policy guy is telling me… World War Number Two, I means.
“Thank God for making me unfat and launching my presidential career. But I don’t need you anymore.
It’s time for you to leave, cuz I AM TEH HUCKBEEZ!!”