The Wide Stance That Changed American History

larrypoy.jpgIt was early an Cocktober dawn when Larry Craig, the senior senator from the great state of Idaho, finally came to terms with the path that lay before him. “Wife, come hither,” he said to his wife, who tenuously approached carrying a plate of piping hot Super Tubers. “I have been rethinking my resignation from the Senate. I said I wouldst resign due to laws barring gay men from being Republican senators. But I am defiant, wife!” His wife, however, was busy setting up an eHarmony profile, and was oblivious to her husband, the courageous Larry Craig, when he uttered these historic words: “I am an American Gay.”

The rest of the story will be catalogued in history books for centuries; little Chinese children that have taken over America in the year 2231 will remember 2007 as the day Larry Craig, Government man from Potato Land, defied his party and secured equal rights for all sexual orientations. The day Larry Craig reneged on that pledge to resign ranks among Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation and JFK getting shot that one time as the greatest symbolic touchstones of American global virtue, ever.

“I’m here, I’m queer,” he shouted in that historic unresignation speech, “and I want to be queer in the Senate to boot.”

The stall-wart Craig persevered through a vigorous ethics committee trial, which the Senate Republicans had pledged to hold were Craig to unresign.

“As ye know, Craig,” lectured the Republican Committee member, a bristly man, during the trial’s climax, “signaling tap-tap with one’s shoes is common body language among homosexuals wishing to engage in anal int–”

“It’s tap-tap-tap, thou bigot,” corrected a proud Craig, “and I don’t know if we were going to fuck. I kind of only wanted, how shall we say, ‘everything up to that,’ if you catch my drift. But who knows.”

“Stenographer,” the Committee member addressed the stenographer, “please emend the record to show that the gay senator tapped his shoe three times, tap-tap-tap, just write tap-tap-tap, and that he may have only wanted a handjob, or perhaps a blowjob.”

“Handjobs are a waste of time, sir,” inserted Craig. “If I wanted a handjob I could do that myself, and I could do it better. Don’t you agree, sir? That if all you’re going to get is a handjob, it’s really just waste of everyone’s time?”

“Aye,” responded the pensive Committee member. “A waste of everyone’s time. Craig, your gay little mind might just be onto something….”

A legacy for the ages was born in this instant. Questions about who’s gay, who’s not, etc.: These things are a waste of everyone’s time, and we should all accept each other for our virtues as human beings, above all else. When Larry Craig announced he was gay*, kept his position as a legislator and transcended the political posturing of a Senate ethics trial*, it ushered in a new era of American openness (as evidenced by the 34 other Republican senators who outed themselves shortly thereafter). Honesty had finally trumped hypocrisy. Thank you, Larry Craig, for your member-able contributions to 2007.

* = Some facts in this report have been slightly altered. The ethics hearings that Republican leadership promised never happened. Also, Larry Craig never announced he was gay, or voiced any supports for gays. He’s a straight man who likes to fuck dudes.

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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