Condi 'n' Kozy Sitting in a Tree

 Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony ) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America's Favorite Princess Diplomat™! 

Last week started off exciting with an OMG SURPRISE trip to Iraq and a luv connection with Sarkozy. But then along came the Grinch who stole the week before Xmas, John Bolton! Ew! All this and Black Leather Condi Glove Turkeys after the jump!

We first have to backtrack real quick to last Saturday. What was Condi doing to prepare for her big trip to France and OMG SURPRISE Iraq? According to a report from Condiwatcher extraordinaire Mary Ann Akers at the Washington Post , shopping ! And the best part is that Akers not only reminds us how Madame Secretary got the nickname Dr. Ferragamo, but also goes ahead and very likely spoils her Christmas gift for Laura "Crazy Eyes" Bush:

While we couldn't verify with the Saks spokesman, we're told Condi left with some very expensive products likely intended as gifts - no doubt, one of them for her dear friend Laura Bush. Let's just say, if it's what we think it is... the first lady will enjoy (carrying) it.

Mary Ann! How could you?

Monday was all about Condi 'n' Kozy and, wow, if their awkward fumbling is any indication, they get along so well! It's so cute! I'm totally picturing her writing "Condoleezza Sarkozy" and "MRS. Nicolas Sarkozy" over and over on her legal pad in loopy cursive with little hearts over every "i". Wheee! It's true that poor Mahmoud Abbas looks a little left-out, but what else is new, right?

The best thing about going to France, though, is that Condi didn't have to be so self-conscious, and she could really rich it up in the land of haute couture. She wore the. Chic-est. Fur! Wait, you just have to see the photos of this gorgeous coat by AP's Remy de la Mauviniere. Kozy, for instance, couldn't keep his hands off it:

And, naturally, the shot above necessitated a visit from the Condi Hand Turkeys™, but this time they came to the table with issues of their own:

Mmmm... OK, well, obviously I'm not going to be able to rely on those guys for a while. Tsk!

Speaking of Turkey! Ha ha! Tuesday was the day Condi made her OMG SECRET SURPRISE!!!! trip to Iraq. First off, she visited the northern part , and wouldn't you know it? The Turks beat her to it by totally, like, incursioning or something. The nerve! After that strenuous hour-or-so, Our Heroine went south to Baghdad where she was photographed standing behind a podium as she solved all the region's problems. Why does she do it? Why does she go there? Hasn't she ever heard of telecommuting? Does she really have to, you know, be there ? I don't get it.

Well, never you mind the philosophical questions, because now we're up to Wednesday, and we've got a bone to pick with John Bolton! Oh! I was just spitting tacks when I read his big interview with Spiegal !

"Bush's foreign policy is in free fall," Bolton whines, and why? It's all Condi's fault, natch. "The president is turning against his own best judgment and instincts under the influence of Secretary Rice," the unpleasant little man droned on. "She is the dominant voice, indeed, almost the only voice on foreign policy in this administration." But she helped get us into war, right, Mr. Bolton? I mean, give the gal some credit!

OK, so in one corner you've got the raging Neocon Bolton griping that Condi's not enough of a bully for his liking, but then in the other corner you've got Mike Huckabee saying that the Bush/Condi foreign policy stems from an "arrogant, bunker mentality." Uh, oh, it sounds like Condi's got problems with both her right wings! So which is it? Let's ask her :

QUESTION: Madam Secretary, Mike Huckabee recently said that this administration has a go-it-alone foreign policy, that it has a arrogant, bunker mentality that's hurt America around the world.

And we also recently heard from John Bolton, who said that the Bush administration's foreign policy is in a free fall, and it's because the president has been listening to you too much.

RICE: Gee.

Gee! GEE. LOLCondi! She then went on to make one of the most hilarious statements of her career: "We have right now probably the strongest trans-Atlantic relations, interactions that we've had certainly during this administration, and I would say in a very long time." Look at the video yourself and marvel at her ability to say the above without cracking up. Well done!

Maybe Huckabee and Bolton have a point, though? Because right at the end of her press conference, Condi tipped an unexpectedly liberal, secular hand in one of the most important struggles of out age: The War on Christmas. Waving cheerfully to the reporters, she happily blasphemed , "Happy Holidays, everybody!"

Where's Bill O'Reilly when you need him?

And with that, I wish everybody an especially glittery CHRISTMAS, OK? Next time: Condi Roundup's best Condimoments of 2007!

 PREVIOUSLY :  Gingerbread Woman