Megan Carpentier Waterboarded Me, and It Was Torture

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Wonkette readers, I never properly introduced myself when I started in October — and this was because I have been living a lie. I am not, in fact, Jim Newell, the “supposed” 22-year-old brat in Washington who makes mindfuckingly hilarious political jokes and uber-trenchant political observation. I am actually Jim al-Newell, a perceived terrorist with al-Qaeda who has all sorts of fun CIA information and shit like that. I hid this double agent status well until one day, when I was walking around DC with Megan Carpentier and I *stupidly* wore my favorite t-shirt — the one that says “Perceived Terrorist” in big A-rab letters on the front. Megan proceeded to waterboard me and asked all sorts of insidery-like questions, like “What time should we publish the gossip roundup?” Torture, I says! She proceeded to destroy the tape of this session — but oh ho ho, my secret camera caught it all! Watch it above! Death to teh Amerkaz, I’m not going anywhere!

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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