Hello everyone, and welcome to this week’s edition of The Foreigns: They’re Just Like Us! Our goal as always is to prove that we Americans and those foreign Foreigns have nothing to fear from one another, and that under our variously colored skins, we’re really more alike than different. For instance, did you know that, like you, the Foreigns can’t get enough of the infectious 2002 smash hit single “In da club?” Also like you, they have ludicrously misguided ideas about AIDS, are racists, and are high as fucking kites. Join us for a guided tour of depravity, after the jump!
SOUTH AFRICA: President-in-waiting has good hygiene, catchy theme song
That little ditty you hear on everyone’s lips in South Africa today is “Get me my machine gun,” the feel-good anthem adopted by former deputy president Jacob Zuma. Zuma just beat South African President Thabo Mbeki in the election for president of the African National Congress, all but assuring assuring him the presidency of the country in 2009. Let’s learn some fun facts about the president-to-be!
* He has four ‘official’ wives!
* He was acquitted on rape charges last year!
* After having unprotected sex with an HIV-positive woman, he took a shower afterwards, ’cause that’s how you stop the AIDS!
* He’s under investigation over arms-deals-related bribes!
* His policies on AIDS, Zimbabwe, and crime may in fact be marginally better than Mbeki’s!
He also has ties to the trade unionists and Communists, so everyone was sort of assuming that he was planning to undo Mbeki’s pro-business policies, but he spent the last month assuring everyone that he isn’t. Sorry, poor people! He would still like you to bring him his machine gun, though.
KOSOVO: Get U.N. approval for supervised independence or die tryin’
By threatening to unilaterally declare independence from Serbia any day now, those plucky Kosovars are making their enemies mad and their friends kind of uncomfortable, and threaten to unleash yet another shitstorm across the already crap-soaked Balkans. But that doesn’t mean they don’t kick back and relax now and then! 25,000 of them packed some no-doubt ghastly Stalinist stadium to enjoy the hip-hop stylings of America’s own 50 Cent, who is hilariously referred to as “Cent” throughout this BBC article. The rapper refused to be kept away by the threat of a full-on Serbocalypse, pointing out that “I’ve been to Beirut … they actually bombed the week after I left,” which must have really given heart to the locals. “I know exactly what happens when the guns come out. Maybe that’s why they identify with me,” he added, presumably causing the thousands of Kosovars who had spent years fighting in a gruesome guerilla conflict against an army run by war criminals to laugh and laugh.
SWITZERLAND: Election causes change in government in unheard-of shocker
Every four years, the Swiss put on their lederhosen and skip merrily down the mountainside to the polls to elect their parliament. One wonders why, given that the elections don’t actually change anything about the government. We don’t mean that in a Paultard/Naderite “smash the corporate duopoly!” sense, we mean it quite literally: no matter what the result, after every God-damned election since 1959, the same four top parties divvied up the seven seats in the cabinet in the exact same way, in what they call the “magic formula.”
You can understand that this apparent lack of consequences for actions gets candidates kind of loopy, so in last month’s elections, the most racistist of the parties started being extra racist, with campaign posters like the one on the right, which pretty much means what you think it does: If only the whiter beings would kick out darker ones, we’d all be better off. After the election, this made the other parties so mad that they decided not to let the CVP into the cabinet! Oh, no, wait, that’s not true at all. They decided to put someone from the CVP other than the party leader into the cabinet. Then the CVP decided to kick those cabinet members out of the party! Or maybe not? Maybe they just aren’t allowed in the super-secret party meetings? Nerds on Wikipedia are arguing about it (I realize this sentence is true about literally any subject you can name). Damn you, Switzerland, for making me think this story was interesting. I just wanted to run the funny racist sheep picture.
UNITED KINGDOM: The British army is totally on drugs
The once terrifying British Army, which subdued India, won most of Africa for King and Country, and faced down the Hun not once but twice, is now high pretty much all the time, said a recent report. Ecstasy, heroin, coke — you name it, they’re on it, though they’ve been cutting back on the weed because it stays in the system longer and they’re subject to constant urine tests. Most military experts agree that these dope-addled Brits couldn’t even conquer the Irish today in their chemically altered state. UK military leaders took solace in the fact that the soldiers were getting high slightly less often than British society as a whole, which is collectively so fucked up that it’s a wonder it even stands up straight, we swear to God.
PMILF update! Yulia Tymoshenko fans, take note: after last week’s little debacle, our favorite sexy Ukranian is finally back in the prime minister’s office! She and her crown of hair will rule sexily over the nation for as long as her coalition government holds together, which should be several weeks at minimum.