Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! So you know what the best, most exciting part of last week was? Waiting for Elizabeth Bumiller’s Condiography to finally come out on Tuesday! You know what the worst, most boring part of last week was? Reading it! OMG, so boring! It was a pretty uneventful Condiweek, though, so I’ll be filling up space in this column with some alternative marketing strategies for Ms. Bumiller’s opus. I mean, just because the inside’s boring, it doesn’t mean the outside has to be! Plus! Condoleezza Rice gingerbread cookies fresh from the oven of the Washington Post! All that and Rush Limbaugh, too, after the jump!
First up on Monday, December 10, Dr. Ferragamo got to be in a talk show with Andrea Mitchell live on stage! They called the gabfest The Women’s Foreign Policy Group but they may want to rethink the name if they’re going to attract any viewers. God, this writers’ strike has been hard on everybody! Also, wouldn’t you know it, but nosy Ms. Mitchell just had to ask about the whole torture tapes thing. Please! That is so last week! Condi was able, needless to say, to easily dodge Andrea’s slow ball.
Also on Monday, Rush Limbaugh had a weird way to bring up Condi. Somebody was pressing him on the very meany meanness of certain attacks on Hillary Clinton, and he said (Sorry! Subscription required!), by way of justification, OMG, have you seen the mean things people say about Condi? Well, yes, we have seen such things:
If you stop and think about all of the grief that the Drive-By Media en masse have given Condoleezza Rice, my gosh, folks. They have cartooned her and caricatured her as an Aunt Jemima, as nothing more than a Bush lapdog. They have written things and drawn things of Condoleezza Rice that, had they been done by a conservative of a liberal black woman, we would still be hearing about it, and that conservative cartoonist would have been drummed out of the media.
Tuesday was Elizabeth Bumiller Day! Condoleezza Rice: An American Biography was finally here! And the real one, not the fantasy versions presented as space-filler this week! As I reported last week, sadly, no bookstores opened at midnight for special Condi-themed festivities. So there I was buying it bright and early Tuesday morning, and the fact that I took the day off to do so should tell you that either I’m an exceptionally dedicated Condi follower, or I have tons of use-or-lose annual leave at my federal day job (you decide!).
Um… OK, so it turns out the fantasy versions are better after all. Bumiller’s Condiography? Borrrrring! Next! Here: read Charles Taylor’s Bloomberg vicious review:
Bumiller’s book is essentially a 400-page Sunday magazine profile, carefully calibrated both to maintain her reputation as a journalist — she is a Washington correspondent for the New York Times — and to preserve the insider access that Washington reporters hoard like keys to the executive washroom.
Me-ouch! Mr. Taylor clearly isn’t satisfied and neither am I! Grrrrr… when are we ever going to get some real dirt on Condi? Just like a Hollywood blockbuster, we already saw all the best bits in the previews.
On Wednesday, the normally media-shy secretary of state met for an exclusive chit-chat with the Associated Press. It was all Iran this and Korea that, you know, dullsville, but OMG, the photos! This was Condi trying to look all Christmassy and festive and, my dear, you just simply have to see these horrible pictures! I’ll wait a few minutes for you to recover.
Totally the funniest thing about Condi’s awful getup in her AP photos is how maybe, just maybe her decision to wear red was influenced by the Washington Post’s annual holiday cookies edition that day. Indeed, their many festive and delicious recipes and how-tos include one gingerbread cookie, seen here, which bears more than a slight resemblance to our Madame Secretary! Wouldn’t you like to make some Condi cookies and give your loved ones the vicarious thrill of devouring The Most Powerful Woman in Washington™’s head? Find out how here! Best cookies EVER!
And the rest of the week? Well, I was bound and determined to read the rest of the Bumiller thingee, so it’s all a blur. Let’s just say I came to sometime on Saturday with a splitting headache, surrounded by gingerbread cookie crumbs, and with a hard drive full of alternative cover designs* I don’t even remember making, some of which you see here. So the system works!
What will this week bring? I mean, besides last-minute hectic Condishopping for George, Laura, Karen Hughes and NOT for Henry Waxman? Who knows! And, ew, she’ll probably be heading the Camp David this weekend. Watch out for mistletoe, Condi! Ew, and cameltoe! Stay tuned!
*Which ones didn’t make the cut? One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Yellow Cake and A Condifederacy of Dunces spring quickly to mind.
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