We Watch Condi so You Don’t Have To

CondiRoundup.jpgWhat has Condoleezza Rice accomplished in the past week? The answer is always the same: nothing! What has she been doing, where has she been going? Well, that’s a more complicated question. Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! This past week, Dr. Secretary sat around and offended her underlings, said goodbye to an old friend, got sharp objects thrown at her by Turkish children, and then received a subpoena from mean people who just won’t leave her alone!


MondayArmchairs.jpgOh, last week started off well enough, with Condi indulging in her favoritest activity, sitting in her beloved matching armchairs photo-op setup in the State Department’s reception room. She does this a lot; sometimes five-to-ten times a week! This week’s victim co-star was Spanish Foreign Minister Miguel Angel Moratinos, and it’s always nice to have an Angel around, right? “We support the efforts of the United States in general, and the secretary of state in particular, because we believe she is very involved and determined to get to a solution and a way out of a crisis that has lasted so many years,” he said, and not much else. Well, OK!

CondiNKaren.jpgWednesday, also known as Halloween, was hardly a treat for Our Heroine. First, her BFF Karen Hughes up and quit with nary a warning! Condi stood bravely behind the podium in a special farewell for her chum, talking about all the wonderful things Hughes had done to make the rest of the world love the USA. Other mean-spirited individuals begged to differ:

Her office had no appreciable impact on improving global perceptions of the United States, and in some situations made things worse, especially when she and some of her colleagues spoke to audiences in the Middle East with a combination of political condescension, cultural arrogance, and aggressive moralizing. I had the chance to see her perform in person a few times, and it was always a painful experience. Those left behind in her wake should analyze the last two years honestly, and come up with policies and strategies that shed the sort of racism, fantasy communication and self-delusional political and moral evasion of responsibility that the hapless Hughes and her colleagues practiced with a gusto that was matched by their obvious irrelevance and failure.

OMG, so mean! Even meaner, though, was that you’d think Condi’s minions would have joined her to wave goodbye to beloved Karen. But oh, no! They were elsewhere in the building griping about Condi saying that they all had to go to Iraq whether they liked it or not! The ingrates! Condi just wants the best for her fabulous new embassy in Baghdad, and they’re all worried about dying and stuff. Needless to say, the meeting got ugly. Really, really ugly:

[Service Director General Harry]Thomas responded by saying the comments were “filled with inaccuracies” but did not elaborate until challenged by the head of the diplomats’ union, the American Foreign Service Association (AFSA), who like Crotty and others, demanded to know why many learned of the decision from news reports.

Thomas took full responsibility for the late notification but objected when AFSA President John Naland said that a recent survey found that only 12 percent of the union’s membership believed Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was “fighting for them.”

“That’s their right but they’re wrong,” Thomas said, prompting a testy exchange.

“Sometimes if it’s 88 to 12, maybe the 88 percent are correct,” Naland said.

“88 percent of the country believed in slavery at one time, was that correct?” shot back Thomas, who is black, in a remark that drew boos from the crowd. “Don’t you or anybody else stand there and tell me I don’t care about my colleagues. I am insulted,” he added.

CondiDartboard.jpgSo after all this unpleasantness, Condi thought, “I’ll leave town!” So on Friday, away to Turkey she went! And were the people of Turkey awaiting her arrival with open arms? Well, not exactly. They were, in fact, practicing for her appearance with a custom-made Condi dartboard. Even the kids! Don’t they know that she just wants them to be free? Like you and me? Tsk!

But even if our fetching diplamazon was having sharp objects thrown at her by adorable Turkish children, it was probably better than having subpoenas thrown at her by nosy federal judges who want her to testify in their totally boring case having to do with all these icky Israeli lobbyists. And would you believe they bundled her together with Hadley, Wolfy and Armitage? Ew! I’m sure if you asked Condi, she’d say, “If loving Israel too much is wrong, I don’t want to be right,” but in her absence, State Department officials passed the buck to the DOJ, who said, “No comment” for them. Yay!

And then, finally, somebody thought to ask on Saturday what Dr. Ferragamo thought about the whole martial law thingy in Pakistan. “Obviously the situation has changed and we have to review where we are,” the forever-young diplomat said, once again showing her talent for using multiple words with no meaning whatsoever. Indeed, wherever they go, here we are!

Whew! That pretty much brings us up to date in Condiland (wouldn’t you like to play that board game?). What will this week bring? Will the evil Waxman continue to torment her? Will she continue to wear shades of purple? Will her hair be cute? Stay tuned. All this and more, next week!

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