REPUBLICANS  10:30 am September 13, 2007

Novak: Freddie’s Dead

by Alex Pareene

Robert Novak’s “important neutral Republican” sources all hate Hollywood Freddie Thompson because the famous movie star did not hire them or ask for their help when starting his campaign to be our TV president. So they have all told Novak, in private, that Thompson’s campaign has “crashed and burned on takeoff.” They do have a point: the man didn’t really make a big splash with his Conference Telephone Call Announcement (the Tonight Show thing doesn’t count, because he’d already announced basically and he didn’t even ride a motorcycle). But Republicans still intensely hate all their other candidates for being closet abortionists and adulterers and Mormons so Freddie still has a chance, even though he very well may also be one or all of those things himself.

“Old friends” Thompson neglected to use in putting together his hellish campaign include Scott Reed, who ran Bob Dole’s ’96 campaign. This just seems like common sense to us, but it upset Novak’s 100-year-old GOP friends.

The problem isn’t with Fred so much as his “gatekeepers,” which means, uh, Mary Matalin, apparently. She is a v v bad Republican because even though she tends to work for people who actually win, she’s a “Washington insider” and therefore also a closet abortionist anti-god heathen. Or she’s at least married to one. In addition to Reed, she apparently turned away the dude who ran Reagan’s (failed) 1976 Presidential campaign, as well as a number of other people too embarrassed to be named. We’ll assume they worked for Ford’s reelection, George Allen, and Thomas Dewey.

Though not saddling himself with the losers of yore does all seem like a total net positive for Fred, keep in mind that he is still very lazy and kinda dumb so they might all have a point about how he’s just wasting everyone’s time.

Help Not Wanted [WP]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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