So there’s this new book about Bush, because we’ve been tragically underserved when it comes to books about how horrible everything has been since January 2001. In the new tell-all, “Dead Certain,” we learn that maybe some of the White House disasters of the past seven years were actually the fault of George W. Bush himself, with a lot of help from the rest of the inept-yet-criminal clowns.
* Karl Rove didn’t want Cheney as vice president.
* Rove also didn’t want Miers getting that doomed Supreme Court nomination.
* So Rove wasn’t nearly as powerful as previously thought, or else he was very powerful in realms that didn’t involve Dick Cheney or Harriet Miers.
* To this day, nobody can figure out what the deal is with Harriet Miers. Does she give good handjobs or something? Make really tasty coffee? Total mystery.
* Bush also loves tube steak: “I’ll have a hot dog. Low fat hot dog.”
* He also “pops pieces of cheese” into his mouth all the time.
* And ice cream.
* And chocolate.
* All because he desperately craves the sugar in booze, which he claims he no longer drinks.
* After babbling a lot of dumb, incomprehensible bullshit about Iran, he says with a straight face: “That’s what I mean by strategic thought.”
* Bush now claims that after his impeachment and inevitable pardon, he will build a “Fantastic Freedom Institute,” in Dallas, which will be run by the Fantastic Four.
* Bush says “I do a lot of crying on this job.” So do we, motherfucker, so do we.