Tucker Carlson: Another Tragic Victim of Sexual Assault

When Tucker Carlson and his buddy beat up that old queer dude in the bathroom, it was ... uh ... well Tucker was ... a victim , that's right! So stop calling him a gay-bashing hooligan who should've gone to jail for a hundred years, you damned libtards . Jeez. Can't a couple of high-school punks beat up an old homo now and then? Anyway, the libtard outragecaused by, uh, Tucker Carlson bragging about smashing some guy's skull in a public bathroom has forced Tucker to bravely release a statement.

"Let me be clear about an incident I referred to on MSNBC last night: In the mid-1980s, while I was a high school student, a man physically grabbed me in a men's room in Washington, DC. I yelled, pulled away from him and ran out of the room. Twenty-five minutes later, a friend of mine and I returned to the men's room. The man was still there, presumably waiting to do to someone else what he had done to me. My friend and I seized the man and held him until a security guard arrived.

Several bloggers have characterized this is a sort of gay bashing. That's absurd, and an insult to anybody who has fought back against an unsolicited sexual attack. I wasn't angry with the man because he was gay. I was angry because he assaulted me."

Where is this mysterious "friend," anyway? Seems like he should be questioned, too.

 Tucker Carlson Knows Damage Control, Doesn't Have Much Of A Memory [Queerty]