Did you get your new issue of Foreign Affairs? No? Check the recycling pile, because sometimes it ends up in there. Look under the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, or maybe under the Wall Street Journal. It’s kind of small. There! Now, take a look at the cover and feel your pulse rise, because this issue holds long boring essays by John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani.
Oh, do you not subscribe to Foreign Affairs? Never even heard of it? Well, it’s a little bimonthly guidebook published by the Illuminati, and if you read it carefully you can pretty much figure out what wars are coming up and whatever economic/political disasters are in the works. Also, horoscopes!
But as the new issue and our entire political process proves, there are often “family disagreements” within the Illuminati, just like in the Godfather movies. Pretty much everybody in charge of everything has decided it’s time for a “political change” because who the hell knew when they put Bush Junior in there that the previously sane Cheney would lose his fucking mind? And that’s why they’re putting Hillary & Bill back in the White House.
For sport, however, the other candidates are invited to have their smartest staffers write up a foreign policy proposal to be published in Foreign Affairs. Whatever campaign writes the best one might get a chance at the vice presidency, or maybe the State Department.
So what do John & Rudy have to offer?
Edwards, the amiable southern lawyer whose foreign policy experience consists of threatening a class-action suit against China, offers a vaguely hopeful internationalist proposal consisting of not bombing everybody and politely trying to get the entire rest of the world to not hate our goddamned guts.
Remembering a time when the United States wasn’t an economically ruined global pariah, Edwards says we must somehow find a way back to the stature, success and dignity America had in the last century — before Cheney ruined everything in the first seven years of this current horrible century.
Giuliani, on the other hand, mentions motherfucking 9/11 in the first sentence and goes on to repeat it and reference it another hundred times (really), with every fucking paragraph filled with mouth-breathing terror porn. Is there an actual foreign policy proposal in there, anywhere? There’s something about how he wants to be fascist dictator of the Entire World so he can defeat the invisible ghosts of the guys who killed themselves flying planes into buildings a half-dozen years ago, but that’s about it.
Anyway, it’s a good chance for the Global Elite to shake their collective head and say, “Thank Satan that psychopath won’t be getting anywhere near the White House.”