RELIGION  6:29 pm August 6, 2007

A Spiritual Response to the 35W Bridge Tragedy

by Alex Pareene

Stayin alive - WonketteWherever disaster strikes, there they are by the dozens — assisting victims, offering help and support. “They’re helping the Red Cross, helping with logistical organization — food, directing traffic and one-on-one counseling,” all in the name of charity. At Ground Zero. In New Orleans. At Virginia Tech. And now, of course, in Minneapolis, at the site of the 35W bridge collapse. We’re speaking, of course, of Scientologists, America’s Angels.

Scientologist volunteers, decked out in their matching yellow shirts, descend upon disaster sites like zombie ants on a brain picnic organized by vulnerable survivors of a terrible tragedy with money to burn. Their virulently anti-psychology “therapists” “counsel” the victims with copies of L. Ron Hubbard’s “The Way to Happiness” and offer innovative therapeutic techniques like “touch assists,” “nerve assists,” and the “pick and roll.”

And now they’re in Minnesota, where of the local populace either believe in a bland, hands-off Lutheran God or are new agey hippie spiritualist types (also there are Muslim terrorists like Keith Ellison and a bunch of Catholics from Mexico stealing our jobs and finally bringing decent taquerias to the midwest), all of whom are ripe for the converting. And there’s nothing like a senseless act of random destruction to instill a good, healthy fear of Xenu, conqueror of planets, in the people.

With $2 billion worth of deficient bridges out there, everyone in America will probably be a dead-eyed shell-shocked Scientologist by the end of the decade.

Scientologists Descend on Minneapolis Collapse Site [ABC]

 
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