Tonight (and only tonight) is Black America’s chance to shine. Enjoy our continued liveblogging of the candidates pretending that the most important thing in their campaign is to help black people.
All the pander-astic action is after the jump.
* Michael Moore’s right! You tell ‘em, Dennis!
* Gravel would like you to know that he is still against the War On Drugs.
* Dodd knows many dismal health statistics.
* And he will not take any more shit from Tavis Smiley.
* Which earns applause. We are all tired of Tavis running our lives.
* Somebody made a funny. What was it? We were getting wine.
* Oh, Hillary thought it was funny, so it surely wasn’t really that funny.
* An “outraged outcry,” eh?
* Joe Biden wants you black guys to wear condoms, even though he and Barack got tested for AIDS.
* Barack wants you to know he got tested for AIDS in Africa after he fucked a hooker.
* Joe Biden would like to confirm he got tested to save his life, because of that whole condom mixup.
* Actually, Barack, a lot of us would be okay with some plain old charity, too.
* Mike Gravel: “None of you will live through my presidency.”
* Mike Gravel: “Seriously, Paul-Gravel ’08.”
* Hillary: “While Bill was fucking fat gals, I made life great in the 1990s.”
* Biden will “give a break to wager.” Hooray for Internetz Gambling!
* Hillary Clinton: “FREE SCOOTER!”
* Bill Richardson will make it so every middle-class family gets to outsource its kids to India.
* Tavis Smiley is going to fucking Gitmo when Richardson is president.
* Uhh, more arrested blacks go to prison than arrested whites because poor blacks can’t afford decent lawyers, obviously.
* Tavis Smiley just admitted his love for Barack Obama. This explains the AIDS test.
* Barack’s looking at Dennis like, “Motherfucker you are stealing all the stuff I should be saying, but I was bought out years ago.”
* Mike Gravel then eerily channels your Wonkette West Coast Bureau chief, but forgets to make a stupid joke.
* Bill Richardson read Tavis Smiley’s book. BILL RICHARDSON IS A BRAVE HERO.
* Sadly, saying we should “find ways” to take care of various problems is not quite the same as having a way to do such things.
* It would be best to just say, “Hey, listen, you folks here at the debate are not exactly the people going to prison. So let’s just kind of keep all of us rich — and the liberal whites a bit guilty — and then start a new secret country somewhere and let all these poor unskilled uneducated meth/crack-addicted whites, blacks, illegals, etc., just kind of fend of themselves, like in The Road Warrior or Escape From New York.”
* Hillary on New Orleans/Katrina: 10 point plans! Hospitals! (Hey Hill, actually the rich parts of NOLA are pretty much back in shape, although people have to drive to Metarie for everything.)
* John Edwards’ head is kind of itchy.
* Mike Gravel should know he has to be more simplistic about this trade stuff.
* HEY JOHN EDWARDS FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING “I WORKED IN A MILL” STORIES WE DON’T CARE.
* And Barack, if you say your dad’s a sheep farmer or whatever ….
* Kucinich will cancel NAFTA and other such things. YAYYYYY!!!! says the crowd.
* Oh thank god thank god thank god only five minutes, last question.
* All right, whatever, see you next month, thanks for playing!ssssss