DEMOCRATS  8:59 pm June 28, 2007

Tonight They Care About Black People, But 17 Months From Now …

by Ken Layne

With your host, Britpop faves 'Travis' - WonketteIt’s time, everybody, it’s time! Feel the disconnect as Nightly Business Report segues to PBS Presidential Primary Forums With Tavis Smiley. Ladies and gentlemen, get your cocktails ready.

Come on in, the water sucks.


* Tonight’s debate will actually be 15 minutes long, due to the 45 minutes of investment-fund commercials on commercial-free public television.
* We’re pretty sure this won’t be the debate with the hilarious YouTube questions from rubes; it’s a “serious moment.” Shit.
* We saw a white guy in the audience — it’s like the alternate-universe version of the GOP convention!
* Lie No. 1, from Howard U’s president: “We are all Americans, and we are all engaged.” Actually, many of us are illegal aliens, while very few of us are engaged to or with anything, especially public affairs.
* We missed this guy’s name. He made a joke that was well received (we didn’t hear the actual joke). We already want this guy to host the debate, due to Tavis Smiley being not so smiley.
* There’s an Asian guy in the audience!
* OK, the set tonight is remarkably, eerily similar to the 1970s game-show set pictured at right.
* Sly Stone quotes already?
* Wonkette is not so proud; we would’ve just asked Mr. Smiley for money.
* Remember this when you judge Mitt Romney: Black kids can be Mormon missionaries now, too!
* Hey, speaking of Mitt Romney … wait, what?
* Gov. Patrick wants the candidates to know that they won’t actually be appearing at this debate. But next: The car-wash kids have a spelling bee!
* In the comments, please make your bets on which candidate will have the most ridiculous fake-black voice tonight.
* Mike Gravel got the biggest applause. Take that, Obama!
* Hillary just sorta claimed to be an African-American Latino Woman. Is she wrong?
* Senator Clinton was wisely advised to not try to talk like a southern black woman.
* But she did bring her Selma cliche box.
* There are some fucking kids under my house on Sunset Blvd. racing some kind of motherfucking little motorcycle around in a body-shop parking lot and I am going to fucking kill them, brb.
* If Biden gets through this without making a racist slip ….
* Also his hair plugs fell out.
* Richardson vows to talk about race, when he is president.
* John Edwards wants you to know that he knows some bullshit technical higher-education acronyms.
* An interesting thing is we now actually have six primary school systems in America: terrible urban public schools, terrible rural public schools, pretty bad urban parochial schools, semi-okay suburban and exurban public schools, and secular private/prep schools for the richest 5%.
* Who is making those car-wash kids take notes? Couldn’t somebody just burn ‘em a DVD when this crap is over? Step up to the plate, PBS!
* Dennis is totally rocking the Stu 1960 Sutcliffe hairdo.
* Gra-VEL promises we’ll have racism in every century, forever!
* But he’s also crazy enough to talk about the bullshit War On Some Drugs. No wonder he’s popular in this crowd.
* Hey, Mike Gravel and John Paul Stevens are kind of rocking the same bong tonight. Yes!
* You knew who we would’ve liked to see on this panel? Steve Gilliard. Although many candidates may have either stomped off in fury and crawled away in tears.
* Joe Biden is going to personally pluck those toddlers out of the projects and preschool ‘em.
* And believe us, Bill Richardson knows the importance of breakfast. And lunch. And happy hour ….
* Is it unfair to wonder if John Edwards could personally buy America’s poor out of poverty?
* Hey, Barack? Dubya said the same bullshit eight years ago. Nobody really believed it then, either.
* Hey, Dennis? We can’t pay for the Iraq War or anything, either. That’s all debt. Debt primarily owned by China, which is sorta taking care of our education problems right now.
* Gravel is going to get all libertarian … maybe … nah.
* Hillary wants to remind you she wrote some crap book a while ago.
* But, again, we complement you on the makeup artist. It really looks nice.
* Michelle who? Ah goddammit we thought it was going to be Malkin.
* The director thought the same thing and cut her mic.
* “Bringing condoms, using needles, penetrating minorities ….” Okay, Bill Richardson is officially running for Hitler.
* New thread, check the front page, okay!
* Here it is!

 

Hola wonkerados.

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