SENATE  10:04 am June 7, 2007

Senate Makes it Official: The Internet is Scary!

by Alex Pareene

internetsafety.jpgIt’s Internet Safety Month and no one even called us?

Last month, it seems, Lisa Murkowski and some of her most pious friends in the Senate proposed a resolution declaring June “The Internet Is Raping Our Children Month,” and it passed without note, attracting the attention of no one but the developers of filtering software.

The text of the bill, sort of, is after the jump.

* Whereas there are more than 1,000,000,000 Internet users worldwide;
* Whereas, in the United States, 35,000,000 children in kindergarten through grade 12 have Internet access;
* Whereas approximately 80 percent of the children of the United States in grades 5 through 12 are online for at least 1 hour per week;
* Whereas approximately 41 percent of students in grades 5 through 12 do not share with their parents what they do on the Internet;
* Whereas approximately 24 percent of students in grades 5 through 12 have hidden their online activities from their parents;
* Whereas approximately 31 percent of the students in grades 5 through 12 have the skill to circumvent Internet filter software;
* Whereas 61 percent of the students admit to using the Internet unsafely or inappropriately;
* Whereas 20 percent of middle school and high school students have met face-to-face with someone they first met online;
* Whereas 23 percent of students know someone who has been bullied online;
* Whereas 78% of Senators have been bullied online;
* Whereas 90% of Internet users have been demonstrably mean to Mr. Lieberman, in particular;
* Whereas we think the Internet might have something to do with why there are so many immigrants;
* Whereas Americans are, by and large, a very stupid people, who should be guided in this, as in all things, by the wise piety of their intellectual, moral, and financial betters;
* Whereas Ms. Murkowski once saw a really dirty picture on one of the Internets;
* Whereas did you know that there are entire websites devoted to adding really disrespectful captions to pictures of the President, on this Internet?
* Whereas seriously, it’s just a bunch of nerds, who gives a shit about them; Now, therefore, be it

Resolved, That the Senate–
(1) designates June 2007 as ”National Internet Safety Month”;
(2) recognizes that National Internet Safety Month provides the citizens of the United States with an opportunity to learn more about–
(A) the dangers of the Internet; and
(B) the importance of being safe and responsible online;
(3) commends and recognizes national and community organizations for–
(A) promoting awareness of the dangers of the Internet; and
(B) providing information and training that develops critical thinking and decision making skills that are needed to use the Internet safely; and
(4) calls on Internet safety organizations, law enforcement, educators, community leaders, parents, and volunteers to increase their efforts to make bloggers stop calling Mr. Obama “Barry Hussein.”

Do Obama and Lieberman Think the Internet is Dangerous? [Tech.Blorge.com]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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