WALNUTS  5:21 pm April 27, 2007

Walnuts McCain’s All Hatin’ on New Hampshire Civil Unions

by Jason Linkins

0001walnutz.jpgRyan Sager, writing in the New York Sun, has managed to pin down John McCain, a-flippin’ and a-floppin’ on civil unions. See, he used to be for this crazy stuff called “Federalism”–loosely defined as “keeping them Federal dickheads all outta our grill at the State level.” But, fuck, we’re living in post-Terri Schiavo America, now, and you just knew that the tuna-can sized robot brain McCain had installed in his skull was going to start screaming in his inner-ear: “PANDER TO THE EXTREME PART OF YOUR BASE, ASSHOLE!”

So, today, McCain’s got a full-on no-homo agenda going:

While he reiterated his commitment to federalism, Mr. McCain further stated, “If I were a citizen of New Hampshire, I would oppose it. … Anything that impinges or impacts the sanctity of the marriage between men and women, I’m opposed to it.”

Of course, Walnuts returned home from Vietnam to discover that the sanctity of his own marriage to Carol Shepp had been threatened by a car accident that caused her to become disfigured and crutch-reliant. But you don’t see McCain at every whistle-stop courageously leading the fight against car accidents! Or the fight to outlaw his own INIMITABLE SHITHEEL SHALLOWNESS! Do you?

 

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Hola wonkerados.

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