As we learned from The X-Files, space monsters will return on December 21 of the year 2012 and eat us all. Today, the U.S. government’s Space Environment Center announced that it’s all true. Might as well start smoking and having unprotected sex again! And cocaine’s still pretty good stuff, right?
Compare and contrast the feds’ chilling announcement with a bunch of scary crap from Bible Code paperbacks, Doctor Who, computer games and websites abandoned in the late ’90s, after the jump.
* Earth’s magnetic field will reverse, destroying millions of innocent GPS devices.
* Some sort of huge meteor will collide with Earth, tragically killing all the dinosaurs (and you).
* We will finally get a new pope who maybe isn’t a Nazi, but it will be the last pope because the world will end.
* The all-important Mayan calendar comes to an end, causing Microsoft Outlook to break down, again.
* The space aliens will return and Lou Dobbs will lose his fucking mind.
Now let’s go to the official government report, which we should totally trust because the government always makes perfect predictions. (Ha ha, just kidding, New Orleans!)
* “The next 11-year cycle of solar storms will most likely start next March and peak in late 2011 or mid-2012 — up to a year later than expected.”
* “Solar flares and vast explosions, known as coronal mass ejections, shoot energetic photons and highly charged matter toward Earth, jolting the planet’s ionosphere and geomagnetic field.”
* Power grids will collapse.
* So will “critical military and airline communications.”
* Also: satellites and the Global Positioning System.
* And that will destroy all the offshore oil rigs, which will break away and then all the oil will flood into the sea and the baby seabirds will be sad and dead.
* Jetliners won’t be able to fly over the North Pole, so it will cost $100,000 to fly to Europe.
* You don’t want to know.
* Any astronauts and space tourists up there will fry.
* These people aren’t kidding around; they even made Power Point presentations on the “economic impacts.”