America is, I think it goes without saying, the greatest bestest awesomest country in the world. Those other countries: not as good as America. We have the best pizza, the best Internet, the best doomed wars, the best everything. Whatever it is you can think of, we invented it, or perfected it, or stole it and now won’t give it back.
While this fact heartens and emboldens most Americans, those of us prone to melancholy (who are the BEST MELANCHOLICS IN THE WORLD, obviously) can see the dark side. Because despite our awesome nation’s overall high level of awesomeness, there are some things in the U.S. of A. that kind of suck. Yet these sucky things are by definition the best of their kind, and thus elementary logic will tell us that foreign versions of those things suck even harder.
Those of you who have been following this feature for the past year have seen the baffling mediocraties that the political cartooning classes have to offer. Well, this week, we present to you what Cartoon Violence would look like if it were based overseas, and it isn’t pretty. The next time one of your Prius-driving liberal friends starts whining to you about how much better those filthy foreigners are better than us at everything, just refer them here to see the full-on horror of political cartooning from across the globe!
Proposed title: “Easter Earth Urinates In Its Nest”
Culturally specific angle: Perhaps that isn’t urine, but a leaking dyke, like the one in the Little Dutch Boy fable, the famous story that encapsulates the Dutch style of communal responsibility and love for children sticking their thumbs into holes.
Foreigners: Are they just like us? If this were an American cartoon, everything would be labeled eight ways to Sunday so that we’d have no doubt in our minds what the cartoonist’s intention was. And I’d make fun of it, but at least I’d have a FUCKING CLUE WHAT IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT.
Proposed title: “The Road Map To Peace: Crumbling Like So Much Matzo”
Culturally specific angle: Hey, if you had just spent the entire Passover week eating mostly matzo, matzo, matzo, OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SO MUCH FUCKING MATZO, you’d probably also be unable to think about or draw anything else.
Foreigners: Are they just like us? Hmm, an everyday item with a political label slapped on it and left unadorned for readers to try to parse? Sounds about right, though here it would be an item of traditional American cuisine, like a KFC Famous Bowl™.
Proposed title: “U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon And NBA Commissioner David Stern Are Carrying A Crazy Man Somewhere.”
Culturally specific angle: None as far as I can see, but it actually seems to be about Lebanese politics, which definitely marks it as not of these shores.
Foreigners: Are they just like us? That’s some nice overlabelling going on there, kids: Ban Ki-moon with his convenient lapel button; Arab League dude with “Arab League” written on his back, since you can’t see his lapels; and, of course, the Lebanese flag hat. Any American cartoonist would be proud.
Proposed title: “Vladimir Putin Serves You Deadly Putin In Four Delicious Ways”
Culturally specific angle: It’s a well-known fact that Dutch cuisine is so boring that many restaurants simply list the same dull dishes multiple times on their menus, since their patrons can’t handle variety or flavorfullness.
Foreigners: Are they just like us? Cartoonists in the States loves the evocative quality of a blood-stained tuxedo. But that pinky lifted up? Pure European class, baby.
Proposed title: “The Statue Of Liberty Will Bust A Cap In Your Ass”
Culturally specific angle: None as near as I can tell, unless the murky background coloring is actually an extreme close-up on a pair of rust-colored corduroy OP shorts.
Foreigners: Are they just like us? HOLY JESUS SOMEONE ELSE DID A CARTOON DEPICTING A WEEPING STATUE OF LIBERTY? AMERICAN CULTURE HAS ACHIEVED TOTAL WORLDWIDE HEGEMONY! NOAM CHOMSKY WAS RIGHT! GOD HELP US ALL! –THE COMICS CURMUDGEON