America On the Brink: Dollar Coin Found WITH NO FACE

 

First came the staggering news that new U.S. dollar coins were minted without the crucial “In God We Trust” slogan — a painful acknowledgment that God had quit blessing America and America had quit trusting God.

Now there’s even spookier news: A couple in Denver came across a new dollar coin with no president’s face or anything, really, on either side of the coin. How did they even know it was a dollar coin and not the Lost Treasure of the Knights Templar or something? Probably because they went to the bank and specifically asked for the shiny new U.S. coins; people will apparently run out and buy whatever new coin gets made, in hopes that it will be fucked up and they can sell it on eBay for $300.

And that’s sort of what happened to our treasure-hunting couple, who we’ll meet after the jump.


Meet Mary and Ray Smith. Like most Americans, they were thrilled to learn America would finally make dollar coins featuring real Americans instead of women with weird names. When the Smiths heard about the coins screwed up by the Philadelphia Mint, they got very excited.

We will now quote significantly from the AP report, because it’s so retarded:

 
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* Mary Smith said she thought they might find a “Godless” dollar of their own.
* On Thursday, she pocketed the top two dollars to use during the day, and her husband noticed the next one in the stack looked odd. “I could tell right away something was strange,” Ray Smith said. “I knew what we had immediately.”
* “I’m not sure what we’ll do with it,” Ray Smith said. “I think we’ll hold on to it for a while.”
* “We’re just so excited,” Mary Smith told The Associated Press. “I’m just dumbfounded that we actually found something significant.”
* “It’s really pretty rare,” Guth said. “It somehow slipped through several steps and inspections.”

The identity of “Guth” is never explained. But if you want to find a screwed-up coin, we suggest whispering His or Her name at midnight, after lighting seven candles and while clutching a ham bone.

American coins are now as shoddily constructed as American cars. Look at some of the other screwed-up 2007 dollar coins offered on eBay right now:

* 2 COIN SET-1 Right-side up and 1 Upside down! MINT!
* 13 Upside down 12 regular Pres. Dollar Coins 1 roll
* GEORGE WASHINGTON $1 DOLLAR 2007-P GOLD COIN VARIATION!
* 2007 P Gold Dollar Coin Error Extra Curl & UPSIDE down
* 2007 P Gold Dollar Coin EXTRA SPIKE

And finally, proving that at least one 2007 U.S. dollar coin was correctly minted:

* L@@K WASHINGTON DOLLAR COIN ERROR FREE

Couple find a faceless dollar coin [Ely Times]
Earlier Wonkette Exclusive Dollar Coin Coverage:
Spend Only Genuine Godless Coins on Your Satanic Vending Machine Fare
U.S. Mint Banking On Americans’ Love Of Dead White Men

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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