Wonkette

The Marines at Quantico are fighting a savage war against terrorist garage-door openers in Prince William County, the Post reports today. By blasting the area around the base with powerful signals, the Marines have successfully kept old people homebound — with the garage doors unable to open, it’s only a matter of time before the elderly all starve to death.The reason, as usual, is 9/11. After the terrorisms, the military took back a whole chunk of radio spectrum that had been used by garage-door-opener manufacturers. It’s happening across the country and even in Canada, where secret American spy facilities blast the hapless northerners with mind rays.

Near Quantico, A Click, but Garage Door Doesn’t Budge [Washington Post]
Garage door chaos is Pentagon’s fault [Sploid]