A hearty Wonkette Congratulations to Pastor Ted Haggard, who is now officially, completely heterosexual. It only took three weeks! The homosexuals will have to step up their game, it takes them years of indoctrination to turn kids gay.

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Gay sex with male prostitutes while on meth is a form of “acting out” that we’re not too familiar with, but we don’t have much experience with curing homosexuals. Every time we try, they kick us out of The Fireplace.

Haggard is moving to either Iowa or Missouri to “study psychology,” which, in his terminology, means “take shrooms.” And fuck men. For research.

Ted Haggard: Now “Completely Heterosexual” [Towleroad]

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