IRAQ  5:51 pm January 29, 2007

J.R.R. Tolkien Now Writing Iraq War Script

by Ken Layne

But the Gollum, the evil one, crept up and swept away with her-her, away with her-her - WonketteBecause the November midterms and the ’08 White House race are supposed to be all about Iraq, it’s good to check the war news now and then. So we did, and the usual blood & despair has some exciting new elements that Lord of the Rings fans will love!

* There are massive desert battlegrounds covered in bodies.
* The dead are mostly part of an evil cult.
* The cult is trying to get the 12th wizard, Al Mahdi, to come back.
* He became the Magical 12th Imam when he was 5 years old.
* He vanished down a well in Mordor Sammara in the 9th Century.
* Only an occult combination of spells and chaos magick and horrible fear will bring back the wizard.
* Ahmed Hassani al-Yemeni is the current “vanguard of the messiah,” or wizard.
* His warrior cult is Sunni and Shia, united in common cause to bring about the End of Days.
* Luckily, other Sunnis and Shia are still fighting the Sectarian War and are now bombing each other’s schools, to kill all the children.
* Nearly 300 of the warrior cultists were slaughtered by the broadswords of the American warriors, yesterday.
* A chief goal of the Soldiers of Heaven is to murder the “Shia Pope.”
* Another main goal is to slaughter all the tens of thousands of religious pilgrims traveling to various holy sites, because more blood & horror = more chaos magic.
* “There are no safe havens for Sunnis” anywhere in Iraq now, meaning that those Sunnis who don’t escape to Syria or Jordan will soon be murdered.
* Bombing continues as usual in Baghdad, with a couple of hundred people killed in the past few days.
* The “Shia Pope” is the Grand Ayatollah Sistani, otherwise known as Saruman the White, Chief of the Istari.

Oh, and the U.S. Army is now aggressively recruiting people who speak elvish.
US soldiers in Iraq kill 250 men from ‘apocalyptic cult’ [Belfast Telegraph]

 
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Hola wonkerados.

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