Meet America’s Next President: Guy From Iowa!

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Ethanol Time! - WonketteIf you woke up today all excited for no apparent reason, it’s obvious that you’ve got a bad case of Vilsack Fever. That’s right, ladies: Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack is running for president!

He’s the first of approximately 270 Democrats to officially announce his sure-shot bid for the White House. For the few laggards who haven’t read his best-selling autobiography, we’ll give you the lowdown … after the jump.

Here are some fun facts about the guy we’ve always called “Tom”:

* An orphan from Pittsburgh.

* Moved to Iowa in 1975 because his father-in-law gave him a job, as a lawyer.

* Elected mayor of Mount Pleasant (in Iowa) “following the murder of Mayor Edd King by a disgruntled citizen.”

Don’t laugh off Vilsack just because you’ve never heard of him, or Iowa. AIPAC flew him to Israel in May, so he’s a contender. And Kerry was considering him as a running mate, but decided John Edwards was “much hotter.”

Also, every four years Washington briefly moves to Iowa for a few weeks — Iowa apparently has an important “caucus” in which all the candidates come to stand in corn fields, shake hands with corn farmers and promise to covert America’s energy system (including nuclear plants) to 100% corn fuel before the next Iowa caucus.

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Jesus Christ, can’t we even have a single weekend off before the goddamned presidential campaign starts?

UPDATE, NOT BREAKING: Joe Biden has apparently been “officially announcing” his run for the Dem nomination since about 1976, which is why nobody remembers.

Vilsack to make White House run [Des Moines Register]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne


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