BREAKING: Young Republican Attacked By Either Gays or Blacks

 This young man was assaulted yesterday as he left a meeting of the Michigan College Republicans. Justin Zatkoff is the apparent victim of a hate crime, perpetrated almost without doubt by-- well, we'll let "a source close to Justin" explain:

Justin may have been 1. randomly attacked (but not robbed??), 2. attacked by BAMN (well known for violence andstrong in Ann Arbor), or 3. attacked by a homosexual rights group (Justin received an 'odd/threatening' email from a gay rights group about a day before the attack.)

We're guessing BAMN is the radical pro-affirmative action group, not the Builders Association of Minnesota (though we hear they play pretty rough too). We much, much prefer theory three, though we have to ask how Justin didn't notice if his attackers were militant Malcolm X devotees or, uh, militant queens.

Still, having reviewed all available evidence (meaning the above excerpt), we are totally convinced that this poor guy got his ass kicked by some violent black Trotskyite homos.

 HATE CRIME [Truth Caucus]