Welcome to a very special someone-forgot-to-post-last-week Monday edition of Cartoon Violence, the nation’s favorite way of reading Today’s Cartoons without having to read Today’s Cartoons.
After the jump, resident cartoon expert the Comics Curmudgeon rouses himself from his Sunday funnies-strewn bed and examines the back pages of our nation’s A-sections for your edification.
Is there some sort of law that Secretaries of State have to be
funny-looking easily caricatured? In the last few decades alone, we’ve had the dorktastic Henry Kissinger, the Cowardly Lion lookalike George Shultz, the mafiosiesque James Baker, and the twin Clinton-appointed gnomes, Madeleine Albright and Warren Christopher. It sort of makes Colin Powell, that damn handsome sumbitch, look like an anomaly.
(Fun fact I learned while looking up correct spellings of Secretary of State names on Wikipedia: Did you know that Taft’s Secretary of State was named Philander C. Knox? Is that the most awesome get-up-to-your-neck-in-poon-and-then-get-out-of-jail-free card or what? “Oh, honey, you’re upset about my little affair? Well, maybe you shouldn’t have married a guy named Philander!“)
Anyhoo, Condi Rice may be in insanely good shape and have buns of steel and all, but she’s a little on the easily caricatured side herself, with the teeth and the eyes and the hey hey. Plus, she’s prone to doing things like calling a devastating mideast war “birth pangs,” which totally endears her to bloodthirsty maniacs and political cartoonists everywhere. This week in Cartoon Violence: Condi, Condi, Condi, Condi, and Condi.
Wacky Condi antics: She’s “sequencing” with a freakish mutant bird. Is this a term that I’m supposed to have read in the paper or something or know what it means? It sounds like some kind of psychedelic drug lingo to me. Dammit, political cartoonists of the world, I stopped subscribing to Foreign Affairs years ago when I started getting InStyle, so don’t try to use your fancy polysyllabic diplomatic jargon with me.
Troubling sexism alert: Horrifying fetish shoes, gleaming with potential pain, lacerate the swollen feet of the peace pigeon in ways that the sensible wingtips of a he-diplomat just couldn’t.
Wacky Condi antics: Are those supposed to be shrapnel holes in the window, or just very, very stylized explosions? Either way, Condi’s Band-Aid offer is kind of mysterious: it’s supposed to signify an inadequate U.S. response to Lebanese concerns, but since the Lebanese leader is in fact totally unharmed, it actually seems like overkill. If, say, one of his arms had been blown off, we’d be in business, metaphor-wise.
Troubling sexism alert: Condi’s wearing the sort of dress not often seen outside of junior high or Naughty Teenage Diplomat Sluts Go Nuts 3.
Wacky Condi antics: Almost totally absent. She’s just standing there, which maybe is the point, but damn it man, I need some action. You know how sometimes it seems like all you have to do to make a joke is do a play on words with a current pop-culture reference and then draw a person in front of some things? Well, it’s not true. That’s not all you have to do.
Troubling sexism alert: They call her a lady right in the title! Do I have to draw you a diagram?
Wacky Condi antics: So, um, where are we exactly? It looks like the Oval Office … where, of course, the Secretary of State doesn’t work … and then there’s the sink in the corner … and the crib … and the pliers, and the axe, and the guns … and, of course, the severed limbs. Wait, are those stirrups at the end of the desk? Did the patient get hacked to death in the Oval Office while giving birth? Has our political life been replaced some grindhouse Texas Chainsaw Massacre rip-off? Don’t answer that last one.
Troubling sexism alert: If it had been a man, he’d be an “OB-GYN” mass murderer.
Wacky Condi antics: The cartoon payola scandal continues as the big food conglomerates and their deep pockets find plenty of takers. Presumably she hasn’t consented to being the “Brand X” counterpart to Kraft’s new Minute Rice. Not only does Kraft’s new confection cook up fast, but it apparently can bring peace to strife-torn areas in mere minutes! An end to armed conflict: Only from Kraft!
Troubling racism alert: Let’s just say we’re lucky she’s not on a syrup bottle, or some bad shit would be going down right about now.
Wacky Condi antics: She also seems to be ignorant of mechanical engineering. You can just carve a missile out of stone, Condi! You’ve got give billions of dollars to General Dynamics and they build it for you out of, like, wires and shit! Ask Rumsfeld, he’ll tell you, no doubt at great and boring length.
Troubling sexism alert: OH MY GOD THE TITS THE TITS THEY’RE SO HUGE —The Comics Curmudgeon