DRUGS  1:03 pm May 24, 2006

Ask a Hill Staffer: Ready for the Big Time

by Alex Pareene

Intern Season is here! And this week, intern issues dominated your questions. Our Anonymous Hill Staffer was happy to help you sort through them.

After the jump, fresh blood, substance abuse, and White House pets. As always, AHS reminds you to drink outside whenever possible.


What’s the best way for an intern to become a staffer?

Blowjobs. Seriously. Go intern in some office this summer, and if you really want to become a full time staff, blow the intern coordinator. If you’re a guy and he’s a guy and you’re not really that into giving other guys head, get one of your slutty intern friends to blow him. And if it’s a chick, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe get her to blow you? I don’t know about that one, I could see it really backfiring…

Are there any bars where interns hang out together, and if so are there any that have competitive bar games?

Listen buddy, everybody knows that real drunks don’t need “competitive bar games” to go and get wasted. You’re clearly not ready for the big time. Spend the next month with a pint of Wild Turkey every morning. After you’ve done that, add in a few pulls of Popov vodka at your desk every afternoon. By this point, you’ll be able to go out to a bar and enjoy yourself without playing beer-caps-in-cups or whatever it’s called. Real cynical staffers don’t drink with ping-pong balls, they drink with their huge brass balls (which, if you know anything about physics, are very difficult to launch across the table into a red solo cup). You’ll also be chemically dependant on alcohol, but that’s your problem — not mine. If you’re too much of a coward to take my advice, you can find drunk idiots playing flip cup just about any night of the week up at Adams Mill in Adams Morgan.

I’m moving to DC for college next year. How easy is it for someone new to DC who has been a goody two-shoes for all her life to join the “get drunk and love it” lifestyle you seem to enjoy? Sounds like a lot of your fellow staffers have the same problems as I do – what advice have you given to the ones who want to loosen up?

Just try not to take life so seriously. Have you tried mescaline? That will really blow your mind. Meth is easier to get a hold of though, but a little more addicting. Buying either is illegal though, which could present a problem. You could always just start drinking (see above question for instructions). Point being that substance abuse can really take the edge off if you want to “loosen up.” It’s hard to take anything too seriously when you’re drunk. The uptight staffers on the Hill are the ones who are trying to “save the world” and “make a difference.” They don’t realize that they can’t, so they’re uptight. The difference with me is that I made that realization, stopped trying so hard, and learned to love the bottle. Alcohol is also very good at taking away your motivation to do anything… good luck loosening up.

Now that intern season is upon us, will more staffers be hooking up?

I should certainly hope so. I’m hoping my own troubles in bed will soon melt away. However, intern season is just like any hunting season and success depends on a lot of variables. How was the winter? Was it mild? If so, interns will be more likely to stay inside. Harsh winters tend to bring out the sluttiest clothing. Interns have been trending sluttier over the past 4 years, though my intern almanac says that, unfortunately, we may be seeing some more modestly dressed interns this year. So when you’re trying to score and unseasonably warm winter conditions have made it unbearably hard, ask yourself if global warming is real or not. Al Gore is right, and we all need to make sacrifices now if there is going to be a bounty of interns for future generations. Hint! Do not try to bag the hot intern in your office — bag her friend instead!

Which animal is your favorite White House pet, and why?

I think my favorite pet would have to be Roosevelt’s pet frog named Kermit. How funny is that! A talking anthropomorphic frog as a pet for the President! OK, wait. So I just looked this up. Did you know that Kermit was actually TR’s son? The President had a human-frog hybrid kid! That’s fucked up, TR. Yet another reason he is one of my favorite Presidents. But Kermit’s my favorite Presidential pet not only because he was a human-animal hybrid, but because he was the White House frog-hopping champion 5 years running — a record that still stands today. Also, he gave all his babysitters warts. Unfortunately, Kermit struggled with depression all his life due to the fact he was the only human-animal hybrid at the time. His life ended just feet from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue when a live-action Frogger attempt went horribly wrong.

Got a question? Ask away.

 
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