Really, what is there to say, but WHAT THE FUCK.
Frist, at heart, is a doctor. At 5:45 a.m., before a recent Senate workday, he prepared for a quirky slice of surgery. During congressional breaks, Frist, 54, has been known to fly to Africa to operate. But in Washington, he has quietly cultivated another practice: gorillas at the National Zoo.
It is very difficult to refrain from quoting this entire column. This entire insane, hideous fever dream of a column. It is the story of BILL FRIST — GORILLA SURGEON!
Won’t you join us after the jump?
Frist joined the team, as he had on other mornings, tying on a mask. He unbuttoned his business shirt, revealing jungle-pattern surgical scrubs and a pair of hairy, toned biceps.
Sure! Why not? “Just under my conservative Washington suit beats the heart of a lover, you know — a heart I recently removed, still pulsating, from a dog.”
He pressed his stethoscope to the gorilla’s chest and narrowed his eyes. Kuja, a silverback patriarch, was breathing isofluorine. He was the Senate majority leader of the gorillas, who negotiated disputes, back-slapped the ape boys and owned exclusive mating rights with the females.
A planet where apes evolved parliamentary democracy from man? Wait, that’s one of the duties of the majority leader?!
Afterward, Frist buttoned himself back up, into his blue shirt and into his senatorial reserve. “I need to be talking to the Israeli prime minister in 18 minutes,” he told his driver as the SUV rumbled toward the Capitol.
“We’re giving him the Ape Heart. That’ll show the terrorists.”
At 9:30 a.m., Frist opened the Senate, gripping the corners of the lectern, as he had the operating table. Across the city, rolling in a bed of hay, Kuja opened his eyes and grunted. The gorilla kept touching his tongue to his tooth. Something had changed inside of the beast while he slept. Frist smiled and spoke unremarkably from the lectern, reeking of silverback testosterone.
LAURA BLUMENFELD YOU ARE OUR NEW FAVORITE WRITER. Seriously, did you accidentally file this from McCall’s Magazine circa 1914? Will you please make your next piece an epic high-seas romance with international intrigue, swashbuckling, and daring-do, starring Joe Biden and a giant lizard? Oh, then do a buddy cop one called “Foxx & Kucinich.”