What we learned from Time Magazine’s list of the best and worst senators:
* Good Senators generally have one-syllable tough-guy names (Thad, Kent, Dick, Ted, Jon), unless they are a woman or are named after an awesome WWI-era German pistol. There is no excuse for anyone named “Arlen” to be on this list.
* “Wayne” and “Jim” are loser names.
* Mark Dayton is from Minnesota, thus making him automatically incapable of winning things.
* Akaka! Akaka! We think the reason he keeps getting reelected is because it’s fun to shout his name. Akaka! Also, because there are like 10 people in Hawaii and the rest of ‘em don’t feel like running for Senate.
* In the “Worst” list, it is necessary that every entry point out that the Senator in question is “well-liked” and “affable.” Except for Jim Bunning, who is too crazy to justify even that soft, unfounded praise.
* We really hate to be the ones to tell Time this, but:
Sometimes the power of a law depends on the lawmaker. Last May the Senate unanimously passed a Democratic amendment banning the torture of prisoners in U.S. custody. No one paid any attention. Then in October John McCain introduced his antitorture amendment, using identical language, and the issue landed on the front pages of newspapers across the country. The White House jumped to attention, dispatching Vice President Dick Cheney and National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley to try to talk McCain down. He stood firm, and the bill passed unanimously in December.
Yeah, do you remember what happened next?
When President Bush last week signed the bill outlawing the torture of detainees, he quietly reserved the right to bypass the law under his powers as commander in chief.
Whoo boy, what an effective leader MAVERICK Senator John MAVERICK McCain is. Bunning may be nuts, but at least he’s not on TV every goddamn 15 minutes.
America’s 10 Best Senators [Time]