DEMOCRATS  1:20 pm April 12, 2006

Ask a Hill Staffer: Keep Quiet

by Alex Pareene

Hey, guys — you kinda dropped the ball last week. There were like four questions submitted to our Anonymous Hill Staffer. You can do better than that — help us keep AHS entertained during Congressional Spring Break (they still make the staffers go to work!), he’ll help keep you entertained every Wednesday.

This week, violence, advice, and deep-seated shame. Like always, really. All that and high-seas adventure, after the jump.


If all the Senators had a Royal Rumble, who would win?

You’ve got to look for people’s weakness in a situation like this. Barack Obama? You’d think he would take the thing easily. Young, athletic, and he can charm your pants off. But as we know, he is a serious smoker. My money is on Dick Lugar, who, despite being like 80 years old, still can run a 6-minute mile. Plus, this is the guy who is pretty much single-handedly responsible for the nuclear disarmament of old Soviet stockpiles. He’ll just trot around the Senate chamber until Obama starts hacking up a lung, walk up to him, and push him over. WINNER: LUGAR.

A family member of mine is running for Congress against an established, well-funded Republican. Do you have any advice for her?

Well, if she’s a Democrat, I would tell her to keep her mouth shut. Is she as hot as Katherine Harris? If she is, she’s in luck. Otherwise, I would strongly suggest breast implants. Her message points should be simple. 1: Don’t talk. 2: Look hot. After she’s established a bit of name recognition, she could throw a horse ride in there somewhere. Her volunteers could pass out cards with a glamour shot on it. But NO TALKING! This is very important, as Democrats are heavily favored on the issues until they open their mouths. Things are looking good in general for the D’s, as long as they keep their pie holes closed until November.

Would your Senator recognize you in a crowd?

I actually voted against both my Senators, so I doubt either would recognize me in a crowd. It takes some big campaign contributions in order to get some random crowd-recognition by a Senator. You have to be in their inner circle. Be one of the “Wranglers” or whatever the fuck they might call their big fundraisers. I personally haven’t given any money to any Senators, because I spend all of my disposable income at Hill bars. But my bartenders recognize me, and not having to ask for a beer is priceless.

Wait, do you mean would the guy who I work for recognize me? He probably would, but would he want to in public? Doubtful.

Does the deep stink of McCarthy still linger? How did you get it out of the furniture?

I’ve heard he used to go around marking the Judiciary Committee hearing room. I’ve also heard he had some favorite seats on the House floor, if you know what I mean. And once that stuff gets under the carpet, forget about it. The sub-flooring has got to be shot. Congress started trying to replace it in the 70′s, but gave up once the Redskins started the season. For the furniture, I usually prefer oxy clean, but you can get this enzyme-stuff at the pet store that works really well on animals piss stink. Well, it works on McCarthy piss too. But hey, it seems like Congress is pretty used to the smell of out-of-touch over-zealous Member piss, so it doesn’t look like they’re going to do anything about it any time soon.

Do you feel like Political Correctness is getting out of control? I mean, Lou Dobbs is telling it like it is. Shouldn’t Congressmen?

Generally I would agree with Lou Dobbs on everything…except…this is kind of a sensitive spot for me. My brother reminded me the other day of the years of therapy he’s gone through due to my family’s professional tradition. My dad was a pirate. Buccaneering goes way back in our family. When you think of a pirate though, you conjure up images of pillaging, scurvy, and general swashbuckling. We don’t think of someone with a family–someone’s father. My brother used to come home sobbing when the playground kids would pick on him. “Where’s your eyepatch?” “How’s your talking parrot?” Sometimes they would wear fake peg legs. You see, there’s a price when we overlook political correctness: a lifetime of scarred emotions. You’re wrong Lou Dobbs. Luckily, I divorced my deadbeat pirate father pretty early in life so I avoided all the therapy. Now I just have to put up with his drunken ass on Xmas.

Got a question? Ask us, and we’ll dodge it.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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