WHITE HOUSE  11:40 am March 22, 2006

*BREAKING* SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE IN FRONT OF WHITE HOUSE

by Alex Pareene

FINAL UPDATE: All clear. BOOOOOOO–RRRRIIINNNGGG. In SF and here. Everyone go home. That robot’s on his way to Hollywood for his spin-off. It was fun while it lasted.
UPDATE5: SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE IN SAN FRANCISCO SUBWAY! THIS GUY’S GOT AN AMAZING ARM! ROBOT STILL CUTE. Some guy seems to have to like stand by the robot and help it, which defeats the purpose of a robot. Right? “NO DISSASEMBLE!” No one told Fox about the San Fran thing yet. Rather, Fox doesn’t CARE ABOUT HIPPIES.
UPDATE4: The “package” may be an “item.” Fox is showing a bunch of bike cops holding a package. Is this the package? Hard to tell. “Anything that is thrown over the fence of the White House is, by definition, suspicious.” This kid is not getting his frisbee back. White House wasn’t evacuated. They’ve sent fucking bike cops. Panic fading… robot sitting there… wait, it’s by the briefcase. The “item” is a briefcase. Robot’s moving again!
UPDATE 3: “An individual threw a package over the White House fence.” he has done this before. He is in custody. You know it’s like a fucking screenplay or something. Also, Fox called Fred Barnes for comment. Why? He’s in the bullpen? Also, Fox has just admitted that the static shot they’ve had for 20 minutes of a fence is not actually where the goddam package is. BRING BACK THE ROBOT.
UPDATE 2 (formatting thrown to the wind): THIS IS BORING AS HELL. WE HAVE EVEN TRIED SWITCHING TO FOX, BUT ALL WE SEE IS A PARKED CAR BEHIND A FENCE. THERE WAS ANOTHER BLURRY SHOT OF THE ROBOT, BUT WE CAN’T REALLY TELL HOW CUTE IT IS. SOURCES INDICATE THAT IT MAY LOOK LIKE THIS:
cuterobot.jpg
FOXNEWS: “As for the President’s whereabouts, that’s always a mystery” — uh, NO IT ISN’T. HE’S ON HIS WAY TO WEST VA FOR A FUCKING PLANNED SPEECH YOU BLONDE IDIOT, HE LEFT LIKE AN HOUR AGO.

CNN is BREATHLESSLY reporting that the White House is being evacuated due to a suspicious package — Bush isn’t there, natch, but to show how TERRIBLY IMPORTANT AND DANGEROUS everything is, they’re showing us reporters running to the package to get a shot of it while Secret Service guys run around with machine guns etc.

OOOHH NOOO!!

Our man on the Hill reports: “some kid probably forgot his fucking backpack. I love the culture of fear!”

Authorities report that it may contain a particularly deadly strain of Lunchables.

DEVELOPING…

(Seriously, though — someone go down there and get pictures of the madness!)

11:23 UPDATE: THEY HAVE A BOMB-SNIFFING ROBOT! AWESOME! BUT WAIT? WHAT IF IT TURNS AGAINST US? AMERICA’S STRETCHED TOO THIN TO FIGHT BOTH SUSPICIOUS PACKAGES AND SENTIENT ROBOTS!

 

Hola wonkerados.

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