Tag: WALNUTS

John McCain Won’t Be Asking Elena Kagan To Prom

America's third-favorite McCain is an Op-Ed columnist at America's first-favorite McPaper!  And man oh boy, is he hoppin' mad at that wily Mexican-Hebrew Elena Kagan. But why? Because of War, of course! Here's Walnuts yelling at everything he thinks about again, including...

John McCain’s Latest Commercial Steals Matthew Lesko’s ‘Free Money’ Commercial

Just last week your Wonkette shared a new ad by Arizona Grandpa John McCain against the infomercial con artist J.D. Hayworth, who wants to steal McCain’s frayed ol’ Senate seat plus replace your hard-earned dollars with fantasy “free government...

McCain Forced To Air Ad Basically Admitting He Could Lose To Infomercial Man

Old man John McCain has been forced to go ON THE ATTACK in his race for re-election in Arizona, airing a new ad that calls his GOP opponent, J.D. Hayworth, a no-good "huckster." That cute grandfatherly zinger is based...

John McCain Nearly Bores David Patraeus To Death

Mummified windbag John McCain was jabbering his usual nonsense during a Senate Armed Services hearing today when star witness General David Petraeus just keeled over. Why does McCain hate the Troops? We can laugh, of course, because Petraeus returned...

John McCain’s Twitter Talks Awkwardly To Cancer-Bed Troll

Gross old liebot John McCain, whose entire head is made of skin cancer and bullshit, is having a very important policy discussion with "Snooki," a bright orange dwarf who appeared on a chilling documentary about emotionally challenged adolescents left...

Barack Obama’s Border Army Will Defeat Mexico

Joining this Spring's Mexican Border Hysteria on the Eve of Summer, Barack Obama ordered 1,200 soldiers of his elite palace legion dispatched to the frontier of Barbarian Land, in hopes of silencing the Senate and the restless southwestern provinces....

America Still Has Its Housing/Mortgage Disaster!

Those lousy Greeks/Europeans, how can they spend so much money propping up their failed economy and jobless cretins and mountains of bad debt? Don't they have capitalist scruples or whatever? Oh yeah, and America's government-run mortgage hander-outer, Fannie Mae,...

A Children’s Video Treasury of John McCain’s Love For Illegal Mexican Evildoers

Oh here's Juan McCain and his new friend (?!) the Mexican-Smashing Skinhead walking along the invisible (?) border fence that keeps Juan McCain from returning home to Teddy Roosevelt's Panama, and it looks like today ol' Walnuts *doesn't* like...

Boycott Arizona? Sure, Because It’s So Easy!

Have you people just HAD IT with Arizona being so evil and terrible and unleashing its dumb racist idiot garbage upon America again and again, forever? Boycott those jackholes. Gawker put together a list of some Arizona "big name"...

John McCain Gets All Mad At The POLITICO

The POLITICO did something fun and funny today: they asked John McCain to elaborate on his famous recent assertion, "I never considered myself a maverick." How would John McCain react? Would he get Visibly Irritated? (This has nothing to...

John McCain Is President Of Lying

Remember politics between all of 1998 and 2008? For the few of you who do (nerds), you may gasp at this epic mindfuck of a new John "WALNUTS!" McCain admission: he denies being the media version of John McCain,...

Angry Old John McCain Can’t Figure Out How This Camera-Phone Works

Lurching worm-beast John McCain found a new thing to yell at today! He's just stuck down at the end of the hall, barking at his cell phone and demanding that staffers "fix the goddamn door that used to be...

John McCain Will Repeal Health Care Reform, Through Magic, If You Send Him Money

A pathetic, amoral piece of garbage who is utterly terrified of losing his fat-cat Senate privileges, that's John McCain: "I believe we must repeal this bill immediately. I am currently working in every way possible on your behalf to...

McCain So Scared of Losing Senate Seat, He’s Campaigning With Sarah Palin

Angry old idiot John "Walnuts!" McCain is probably going to lose his beloved Senate seat this year and then be forced to actually live in Arizona, which he hates, so he's even more desperate and crazy than usual. What...

John McCain Hates The Pentagon And The Joint Chiefs And The Chain Of Command And The Gays &c.

The funniest part is that he thinks he needs more than three minutes of speaking time. Most people can clock in even a significantly belabored "HEHNGNN?" in under two seconds. (Also, sometimes laws are passed that set a policy...

Wingnuts Will Now Firebomb John McCain’s Town Halls, Too

John McCain, who loves town halls so much that one time last summer he ORDERED Barack Obama to appear with him at 7,000 of them (and hopefully pay for them!), has "gone librul" again, now that his own party's...