Tag: voters

Montana Cable Company Getting Some Idiots To Pay Its Taxes For It, For Freedom

We progressive types have been complaining since the Reagan years about corporate lobbyists writing laws; now a Montana telecom company is leaving that old-fashioned strategy behind and going directly to The People to buy some big taxpayer handouts. Our...

Michelle Obama Invites Awesome Haitian Lady To SOTU FLOTUS Box

Your FLOTUS correspondent can smell an ABC Family original movie a mile away, and this one smells like some combination of Ruby Bridges, that documentary about the choir for elderly people, and scallions. It is the story of...

Iowa Caucus Voters Know What’s Going On With Egypt: Obama’s Muslim

There are some things Frank Luntz and Fox News would rather not say explicitly out loud if they don't have to. Luckily, they have Republican voters to back them up and make the insane connections they merely insinuate. Who...

American Voters Demand Traditional White/Hopeless Stasis

A majority of voters in "key battleground states" (continental United States, Hawaii, Alaska, Puerto Rico and Afghanistan) say Barack Obama hasn't changed a single thing in Washington, and if Obama did change something he probably changed it into horrible...

‘Worst Governor Ever’ Sign Ruins Sarah Palin’s Teevee Show, Results In Weird YouTube Coversation

Sarah Palin's Discovery Channel show was filming in Homer, Alaska, and decided it needed a lot of security to keep the mama grizzly bear safe. But this couldn't stop some woman who dislikes Sarah Palin from putting up a...

Examine Disputed Minnesota Ballots For Laffs!

Oh here is a fun game! Check out these actual disputed voter ballots from Minnesota, and look at what laughable excuses the Coleman and Franken campaigns have for arguing "voter intent" in one direction or the other. Minnesota Public...

Sarah Palin Voted In Alaska Today!

We are squeezing in as many Sarah Palin stories as we can today, in the hopes that we will never have to type out her name again, whee! She voted this morning, in Wasilla, but refused to tell reporters...

Heartwarming Voting Tales From Across America

Well folks, there won't be any real "news" for hours and hours today, and you keep in sending your nice reports, so we will just cut and paste and get to the drinking early. Here we have EXCLUSIVE ON-THE-GROUND...

Early-Morning Election Reports From Your New York Wonkette Operatives

It's no joke, people! Voting lines in New York are just NUTS. But if the Obama campaign supplies "Comfort Teams" like they're doing in Georgia, you will all get water and hot chocolate soon, and maybe a hand job...

Philly Election Official: Everyone Quit Whining About Voting Problems

Fred Voight, the adorably rosy-cheeked Deputy Election Commissioner of Philadelphia, says that antsy-pantsy voters need to just "get a life" and wait in the rain for hours and hours to vote on a single not-broken machine on election day....

What Is This ‘ACORN’ Crap About, Anyway?

One of the weirdest things to watch in American politics is how the wingnuts do these lockstep moves to some "what the hell are they even talking about?" fake outrage, and within hours there are millions of inane illiterate...

John McCain Loves Pennsylvania So Much He Will Get A Post Office Box There

When a gentleman loves a state very very much, he gives it a box of chocolates and then asks it to go "parking" with him, and then he gropes it for a while and if his love is truly...

Random Blurtings Reveal Voters’ Innermost Thoughts

If the global collective unconscious may be likened to a vast, roiling ocean, then your average American voter's mental workings are a fetid kiddie pool with a half-deflated beach ball bobbing around the perimeter. So what better way to...