Tag: visions of america

Dumb People Not Clever Enough To Choose Smart Candidates

Why do dumb people always vote for terrible candidates? It's because they're dumb! This is according to new scientific studies, according to some website: The research, led by David Dunning, a psychologist at Cornell University, shows that incompetent people are...

U.S. Marines In Afghanistan Pose Proudly With Nazi Flag

Pissing on the corpses of your victims is so last year! These days, hawt Marines sent to Afghanistan to kill random peasants and/or kill each other have a new prop to show how Xtreme they can get! It's the...

‘Venomous, Obese, Gullible Imbeciles’ — Genius Describes Americans In One Perfect Paragraph

After today's news about yet another reason for the whole world to despise Americans, Wonkette commenters discussed ways of avoiding death by angry mobs while traveling abroad. Ideas included dressing in the costume of a Canadian, and probably "weeping...

U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims

Everybody supporting the troops a lot? Here they are "finishing the job," with the primary job being "killing Muslims everywhere" and the finish being "ritually urinating on the bloodied bodies." Afghanistan, the war that keeps on giving! These soldiers...

Roadside Redneck Scrabble Mostly Limited To Letters O, B, A, M, A

It's time to play Heartland Americuh's greatest new game, and you sure don't need some faggoty-ass iPad or 'puter or 'lectricity or no such thing. To play Roadside Wingnut Scrabble, you just need that U-Haul truck your common-law brother-in-law...

‘Black Friday’ Champs Walk Over Dying Man To Buy Target Crap

Pepper spray was a-spraying, knives were a-stabbing, guns were a-shooting, muggers were a-mugging, punchers were a-punching -- it was a "Black Friday" celebration that truly proved if you're not a part of the worldwide anti-corporate protests, then you're actually...

Diet Soda Also Making Americans Obese & Diabetic

Thought you were "doing the right thing" by drinking diet soda instead of the usual corn-syrup sludge that makes up the primary source of calories for Americans? Well, sorry, you are still going to become obese and die of...

Mailman Poops On America

Haha, the guy thought the mailman "had a bunch of packages for us." Well, the mailman did have a bunch of packages -- packages of poop! (Unwrapped.) It is also great that the teevee news anchor describes a person...

Fundamentalist Christians Are All Obese, According To Science

Well, here's a shocker: America's most deluded religious group, the fundamentalist Christians, "are 50 percent more likely to turn into obese middle-agers as those with no religious involvement." Being dumb and poor and racist and homophobic apparently wasn't enough...

Free Republic Fatties Think Obesity Epidemic Is Fake

The proto-teabaggers at America's oldest wingnut web forum have carefully considered this whole "obesity epidemic" thing -- and they've decided it's all a hoax. If there are so many obese people everywhere, then wouldn't everybody be fat? Oh, everybody's...

West Virginia Hillbillies Attempt a Sex Threesome

In other, non-election (?) news from West Virginia, this apparently happened: According to the complaint, Danny and Watson told Mellinger that Melissa came to the apartment intoxicated, asked each of them to perform a sexual act on her and took...

Fat Old Couple Has ‘Mobility Scooter Fight’ At the Wendy’s Again

Uhh: GREENSBURG, Pa. -- An argument at a Greensburg Wendy's forced several customers to leave the restaurant when a woman began chasing her husband around in her personal mobility scooter, police said. When the police showed up, they cited the slobs...

Arizona Guy Finally Has Enough Bumper Stickers For Freedom

This proud American is going to play "Cowboys & Muslims" by ... let's see, what did Cowboys do to their enemies, in the movies? (Because in real life, as we all know, cowboys just fuck cows and cry for...

Americans Actually Crushed By Lack of Dignity & Joy, Not Politics

What drove you bonkers this morning, so far? A stale three-dollar bagel with half-defrosted cream cheese? Not having a job at all? Did the cretins next door -- the ones with the tattoos around their mouths and five kids...

Canadians Are Catching Up With America’s Fatness

A new study of the world's rich countries says that America's fatness levels will increase from the current 70% to more than 75% by the year 2020, but other nations are working hard to catch up -- including our...

Glenn Beck’s Miraculous Slob Picnic

It was Colonial Williamsburg staff day at Glenn Beck's GlennBeckPalooza! Show up in your work uniform and get a 60-pack of Hot Wings for just $4.99! Guess who didn't remember his work costume? Wonkette's new drive-time "shock jock" Riley...