Tag: jesus christ

Father Forgive them, for they are dumb as fuck like whoa.

Godly Christians Reassure A Troubled America That Jesus Still Totally Hates Fags

Father, forgive the motherfuckers who signed the Nashville Statement, for they know not what they do.
The Yoogest Story Ever Told

Super Christian Donald Trump Big Fan Of God And His Blowhard Son Jesus

God and Jesus have done an amazing job and are being recognized more and more, Trump notices.

Dame Peggington Noonington Endorses Own Vivid Imagination For President

Peggy Noonan hallucinates a world where Donald Trump is sane. Then she hallucinates some more, for why not?
Just sayin' a little prayer.

Marco Rubio Ready To Be President Of Jesus

Have you met Marco Rubio's personal BFF, the one man who loves him more than anyone else, who braids his hair and tells him everything is going to be OK when people make fun of his sexxxy man boots?...
Jesus's favorite prophet.

Crazy Tongue-Speaking Prophet Lady Running For Mayor … Of Our Hearts!

Wonkers, are you ready to meet your new best friend? Her name is Opal Covey, she is 75 years old, and she is running for mayor of Toledo (Ohio, not Spain, geography nerds). You excited yet? Did we mention...
GRRRR HOMOS GRRRR

Bryan Fischer Will Root All Queers Out Of Wingnut ‘News’ Websites

Bryan Fischer's butthole is in an extra-twitchy state (not the Michelle Malkin kind of twitchy; or wait, come to think of it, yes the Malkin kind), as he is feeling BETRAYED! You see, one of the wingnut websites he likes, Townhall.com,...

Bible-Thumping Global Charity ‘World Vision’ Has Brief Shining Moment Of Reasonableness On Gay Marriage, Is Sorry About That

Courage of convictions. This is one of the most important courages out there, cited more often than almost any other courage. So it came as quite a pleasant surprise when World Vision, one of the largest faith-based, pro-Jesus global...

Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays

Marriage is the most sacred institution of all the institutions ever instituted by god and America’s Founder Jesus “Whitey” Christ exactly 6,000 years ago. Unfortunately, members of the Grand Old Party are looking to limit the federal government’s recognition...

‘Jesus Was A Capitalist’ Is Really The Title Of This Tea Party Nobody’s Rant Against The Pope

Pope Francis has been making a lot of liberals feel funny in the pants (the POLITICS part of the pants, pervo), like when he recently said that capitalism is a buncha bullshit (paraphrasing), and also when he touched the...

See The Amazing SF Chronicle Front Page That Accidentally Forgot About Gay Marriage! (Update!)

So here is the San Francisco Chronicle's front page for today. (It is in "print," a thing where they put "ink" on "paper.") You can look and look, but you will not find a story about "gay marriage" on...

Happy 107th Birthday, Zombie Ayn Rand!

We were skimming the FoxNews.com website looking for some of those "free Medicare scooter" ads, but got distracted by the important news of terrible writer/awful person Ayn Rand's 107th birthday. She doesn't look a day over 106 ... objectively....

Surprise, Homeland Security Coordinates #OWS Crackdowns

Remember when people were freaking out over the Patriot Act and Homeland Security and all this other conveniently ready-to-go post-9/11 police state stuff, because it would obviously be just a matter of time before the whole apparatus was turned...

Denied By God, Rick Perry Now Wants To Be President

As every other "serious GOP candidate" but Mitt Romney decides they don't want to lose to Obama next year, Rick Perry has been sitting in his office in Texas wondering if maybe this is the way God is telling...

Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom

What did Donald Trump use to do for "fun," before he started accusing Barack Obama of being a Kenyan space lizard with lousy SAT scores? Oh, you know, he would drunk dial David Axelrod and beg him for a...

FLOTUS Turns American Religious Holiday Into Pagan ‘Let’s Move!’ Party

Once upon a time there was this guy named Jesus, who told a bunch of people that he was the Son of God and did lots of magic tricks until Mel Gibson killed him in front of disgusted audiences...

Fundamentalist Christians Are All Obese, According To Science

Well, here's a shocker: America's most deluded religious group, the fundamentalist Christians, "are 50 percent more likely to turn into obese middle-agers as those with no religious involvement." Being dumb and poor and racist and homophobic apparently wasn't enough...