Tag: bristol palin

Oregon Jerkwhistles, Bristol’s Baby Daddy And Foreigner Ted Cruz. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Happy First Official Top Ten List of 2016, everybody! Are you ready to start counting down all the HILARIOUS stories that have happened so far in this new year, which is at this point, a barely developed fetus? Well...
But anybody can make one of these

Bristol’s Baby Daddy Sticked It In Her, He Can Have Palin Cash Now?

We are shocked -- shocked! -- to learn that Bristol Palin's second immaculate inseminator was not God after all. Alas, it was just that dude Dakota Meyer she was abstinently shacking up in sin with, but was totally going to marry, until...

The Top Ten Posts Of 2015 Will Tongue-Kiss You At Midnight, Since Nobody Else Will

Hooray, it's midnight! But only if you live in the time zone where it is midnight. If you don't live there, like say for instance maybe you live in "Luxembourg" or the "Mountain Time Zone," two places that may or...

2015: The Year Bristol Palin Stole Kim Kardashian’s Face, And Did A Lot Of Other Cool Stuff Too

"There will come a day," my mother once warned me, "when you will no longer look cute on a barstool." Sometimes my mom is a real bitch. This was not in relation to a different question I once asked...
But anybody can make one of these

Lo, Unto Bristol A Child Is Born: Hello, Sailor (Grace Eggnogg Palin)

It's a Festivus Miracle, just two days late: Abstinence activist Bristol Palin has brought forth from her holy loins a Second Immaculate Palin, a daughter named "Sailor Grace," although around here we'll be calling the miracle child by the...
Can't fool her with your "gotcha" questions.

Sarah Palin Guesses Atheist President Would Be Better Than ISIS, Oof Gosh!

The Thing What Squozed Bristol Out Of Its Moose Parts is talking again, because The Thing still has a book to sell. (It's a Bible devotional doohickey, but with all the lovey gay Jesus words crossed out and replaced...

Bristol Palin Takes Bold Stand Against Shooting ALL The Muslims

So remember, like, five whole minutes ago when we chit-chatted about Jerry Falwell's dis-gusting jizz spawn, Junior, calling for guns guns GUNS for everyone, so they can shoot up any Muslimy Muslims who happen to be Musliming in his neighborhood? And those...
Turn that poo-face upside down, Sarah.

Sarah Palin Sad About Getting Fired, Bristol Being Whore. You Buy Her Book Now?

Our Lady Of The Mesquite Moose-Scented Denali Farts, Sarah Palin, is down in the dumps about the year 2015. But she knows you can't stay that way too long, you betcha, otherwise Russia will see you from ITS house....
No sex, no football career boo hoo hoo.

Tim Tebow Will Not Do Home Runs To Sexy Girlfriend Ladies

Tim Tebow is so good at football that nobody will let him play, probably because they're intimidated. (Haha, just kidding, they won't let him play because he is bad at footballing.) If you'll remember, he's sort of a hero...
OOOH DADDY WE GET TO DO TEEVEE AGAIN!

Pa Duggar Teaches Menfolk How Not To Be Gross Perverts Like His Son Josh

Being a grown-up fundamentalist Christian man is tough, you guys. You try to stay on the straight and narrow, bein' real good and Christ-like as you teach everybody how to hate the gaygenders at your Family Research Council hate...

Hillary LOLs At Benghazi Republicans, Sarah Palin Talks To God. Your Weekly Top Ten

Oh hello, Wonkers, how are YOUR family jewels hanging right now? You are probably thinking "Uh, Wonket, BUY A CALENDAR, MORAN," because the Top Ten post is supposed to be on Sundays, RIGHT? What is Wonket, some kind of...
Maybe instead of gun control we need cop control...

Louisiana Cops Who Killed Autistic Six-Year-Old Might Be Very Bad Men

In our story last week on the fatal police shooting of six-year-old Jeremy Mardis in Marksville, Louisiana, we briefly mentioned a line from a CBS News story: "Investigators are looking into whether one of the marshals had a personal...
Sarah Palin calculates in her head how many of Bristol's "chances" will turn into out-of-wedlock babies.

Sarah Palin Explains Why God Keeps Getting Bristol Pregnant

If there's one thing Sarah Palin knows, it's the thoughts of God. She even wrote her own Bible! If there's one thing we're not sure either Sarah OR Bristol knows, it's how babbies are formed. When Bristol announced that an angel...

Bristol Palin Real Mad Media Ignoring White Child’s Shooting She Read About In Media

Bristol Palin is actually half right about a thing for once! (Relax, she's still half wrong too.) On Wednesday, Bristol blogged her disgust and heartbrokenness that police in Marksville, Louisiana, shot a six-year-old autistic boy to death while firing at his father's car,...
Blaspheme not the Name of Reagan

Veterans Day Is A Great Time To Buy Sarah Palin’s New Book, Remember Reagan

Merry Veteran's Day, patriots! And thanks a bunch to that one guy whose day it is. We owe you, buddy. Like Great American Hero and Historical Scholar Bristol Palin's ghostblogger says: On Veteran’s Day, it’s hard to know what to say, other...
Check THIS out, kids!

Cure Your Crotch Weasels The Christian Way: Put A Ring On It!

There comes a time in every Christian youngster's life when he or she has a burning case of the crotch weasels and doesn't know what to do. Go to the doctor? Meh, that's for liberals. Go to church? Now you're...