Tag: alvin greene

Alvin Greene Has Some Daoist Back-To-School Advice

When last we saw Alvin Greene, he was bellowing incoherently at local reporters, which might lead you to believe that he has lost his mind and/or rejects all media attention now -- but that is not the case! ...

Alvin Greene Vents a Mighty Manful Rage At the Media

It's tough right now being Alvin Greene, with the world not understanding the Daoist philosophical foundations for his supposed porn-showing offense. Of course, the universal Way cannot be pushed off course, but even someone fully aligned with it...

Alvin Greene Finally Indicted On Porn Charge

Many moons ago, as the days grew short and the air thick with the cold of autumn's decline, Alvin Greene was allegedly witnessing the act of human reproduction. He then turned to a fellow human and showed her this...

ALVIN GREENE REVEALS THE TRUE NATURE OF THE T-SHIRT DAO: The following tale is what Alvin Greene news has been reduced to these days, as the wise man has withdrawn before he's elected in November. A South Carolinian named...

Andrew Romanoff Sells House To Fund Campaign, Hopes To Be America’s First Homeless Senator

Colorado Democrat Andrew Romanoff is having trouble raising money for his Senate primary campaign against Sen. Michael Bennet, so he decided to go the "desperate homeless man making bad decisions" route, as he sold his house and gave to...

Official (???) Alvin Greene Ad Takes On Porn Charges, Is Insanely Catchy

The New York Times cheerily announced the death of all our hopes and dreams today by announcing that Alvin Greene "is now out with his first campaign video." Perhaps leaving his home and talking with voters in person...

Alvin Greene Wants Better Alvin Greene Action Figures

America's first Alvin Greene "action dolls" were unveiled over the weekend, thanks to the combined powers of Alvin Greene's all-powerful mind and the Charleston RiverDogs minor-league baseball team. Together, they are saving the American economy one bobble at a...

Alvin Greene Finally Lowers Himself To Your Puny Concept of Campaigning

Jedi master Alvin Greene has destroyed his political opposition by not destroying his political opposition, and has accomplished more by simply sitting in peace and mindfulness than the most powerful campaign machine has accomplished with the usual clumsy blunt...

Finances Have Come To Alvin Greene

The latest fundraising figures are in (and by "in," we mean somebody called Alvin), and it appears a thousand dollars have come to Alvin Greene so far in his lack of a campaign. That's 1/3500 the amount his opponent...

Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Opponent Ron Johnson Owns Lots of BP Stock

Despite Ernest J. Pagels, Jr.'s brilliant campaign against homosexuality, abortion, and pornography, the Wisconsin GOP Convention endorsed "Oshkosh businessman" (the place or the child overalls?) Ron Johnson. This afternoon the DSCC e-mailed us a press release letting us know...

Alvin Greene Cleared In Investigation of His Finances; Continues To Inspire Nation With His Wisdom

The U.S. Senate's soon-to-be first Daoist monk Alvin Greene has been cleared in the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division's (SLED) investigation into his finances, as was his destiny. As we've long suspected, $10,440 simply came into his possession and,...

Remembering Our Fallen Week: Video-Art Installation Edition

Beloved Wonkette star Alvin Greene reached a higher plane of existence this week, learning to reproduce via binary fusion, resulting in a series of plastic automatons and a unique, more born-again approximation of our #1 Democrat. The Wonkette...

Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Once Urinated On a Homosexual Pornographic Car Tire and Sued McDonald’s

Wisconsin's fastest rising star, Republican U.S. Senate candidate Ernest J. Pagels, Jr., became Internet-famous this afternoon after the discovery of his brilliant political ad on YouTube. Now, with the help of Wonkette operatives, more has been found about this...

Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Is Your Republican Wisconsin Alvin Greene

Put up a Bible verse and cue space music! Wonkette operative "Gene" writes us from his Congressional e-mail account (HEY THAT IS FOR TAXPAYERS NOT YOUR WONKETTE) that he's "not quite sure this guy isn’t Eric Wareheim." Well we...

Coming Soon To the American Economic Recovery: Alvin Greene Action Figures

Alvin Greene Mania has swept Britain! Today The Guardian has their very own profile of one British reporter's pilgrimage to the hovel of South Carolina Daoist monk Alvin Greene. It is accompanied by a nice photo of Greene talking...

THEY CALLED HIM ‘TURTLE’: Your Alvin Greene Roundup For Tuesday, July 6

Today the AP has a story about Greene (who, you will remember, is the South Carolina Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate and a practicing Daoist monk) with the BIG REVEAL that he was nicknamed "Turtle" in high school, according...