News

Hard to tell who or what is being faced here, but it is 'away,' we hear

NYPD Cops Respect Fallen Officer Through Classy Political Stunt At Funeral

Just to prove how much they objected to Mayor Bill de Blasio's inciting the murder of two policemen last week, hundreds (or possibly thousands) of NYPD officers attending a memorial service for one of the officers turned their backs...

Tucker Carlson Promoted At Fox News For Being World’s Worst Human

Failing upward, that is what this is called.

Your Supreme Court Health Care Liveblog of the Century

The Supreme Court will announce at 10 a.m. whether America is allowed to have health care ever again. Haven't we gotten spoiled, America? We don't need health care. What we need is more personal liberty to destroy ourselves and...

Roger Stone Ready For Hillary’s Death Squads, Thanks To Alex Jones’s Trucker Speed!

Trump's favorite dirty trickster, Roger Stone, will just pop two of these beauties and see you in the morning. If Hillary Clinton doesn't MURDER HIM FIRST.

Breaking News From Wolf Blitzer: Obama Is No Longer Muslim

New developments indeed. When did this happen?

Donald Trump Has Had It With Hillary Clinton’s Nonstop Murder Spree

Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Donald Trump sat down with Fox News's Chris Wallace Sunday for a monologue that was occasionally interrupted by questions from Wallace. We were astonished that the interview only ran 13-some minutes, because it seemed...

Dick Armey: Clinton, Gingrich Would ‘Smoke Cigars and Talk About Their GFs’

What I discovered: Clinton found out about the Gingrich affair and called Newt over to the White House for a private meeting between the two of them. Clinton said, "You and I are alike." Which meant, shut up about...

Elizabeth Warren Will Help The Post Office Kick Payday Lender Ass

Do you lurrrvvvveeeee Senator Elizabeth Warren, mostly because she looks like the awesome schoolmarm/librarian of your childhood dreams? Of course you do, silly. She's all the smart and fair fiscal and consumer policies you could ever want, rolled into...

Tom Tancredo Running To Be John Elway of Colorado Government

After threatening hilariously last week, former Republican presidential candidate and very current birther / Muslin-hater Tom Tancredo has finally announced that he is indeed running for governor of Colorado, home of mile-high testicle oysters and the Broncos foot ball...

Jews Did the Computer Worm

Apparently the Israeli "Internet Mossad" garnished a computer virus with fun Bible passages, and then sent Iran a misleading p0rno link, on AOL Instant Messenger. And Iran clicky clicked, suckas! But also referencing the Old Testament in a computer...
fuck no

Ted Cruz Explains Why No One Likes Him

Walking bag of petulance Ted Cruz explained on CNN Sunday that he's plenty likable, but the fools in Washington are simply too detached from Real America to recognize that simple fact. State of the Union host Dana Bash reminded...

Did Indian Writer’s Secret Book Create Entire 2008 Election (and Barack Obama)?

How did a humble self-published author from India invent Barack Obama and the 2008 presidential election? He wrote a novel called First Lady President about "Beverly Hilton and an African American man named Charak Sudama a senator from Illinois...

Year of the Woman Continues, In Oklahoma, Because of Two Women

The year of endless primaries also became the Year of the Woman again last night, in Oklahoma, where Republican Congresswoman Mary Fallin and Democratic Lieutenant Governor Jari Askins won their respective races and will face each other in the...

New Michael Steele ‘The Streets And Their Environs’ Catchphrase Right On Cue

Michael Steele! Just minutes ago, your Wonkette Editor urged David Simon to write Michael Steele some more material already, and look! Today on Today, Meredith Viera's like, "You should have been fired, multiple times a day, every day, for...
Good advice bro!

You All Sure Do Love Pat Robertson’s Gay Blowjob Advice! Your Weekly Top Ten.

It's Sunday Funday, Wonkers! How is everybody doing? We are fine, thank you for asking! Let's take a moment to reminisce about the week's most hilarious stories, for us to laugh at together. But first, remember that your Wonkette loves you,...

Eastern Guru Joe Biden Tells Jobless To ‘Hang In There’ and Eat Healthy

Here is an example of Joe Biden saying something that's basically common sense advice, but it still sounds kind of jackass-y because, well, Joe Biden is saying it about the nation's desperate jobless people. Asked what the nation's 25...