News

NY TIMES LETS AMERICA CHOOSE UNICORN'S CABINET: The New York Times has a boring interactive feature up called "If You Were President..." which lets you vote for the people YOU, the bum, would select to be Secretary of Defense,...

Everything’s Coming Up Vegan Buttholes In Your Weekly Top Ten

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES RIGHT NOW!

BREAKING: Wall Street Journal Hates Obama’s Thug ‘Rap’ Music

It may come as a shock to you, but the people at the Wall Street Journal are not fans of the hip-hop, and are particularly not fans of America's #1 hip-hop fan, Barack Obama! The nation's very important...

REGARDING THE FAT DUMB SWANS OF MARYLAND: This is the only important news story of the day, or year: "Everyone loves swans in Maryland! They're very pretty. But some of them are mute! Those ones... well they are not...

Karen Handel Not So Big On Letting People Vote, Which Is A Good Reason Not To Vote For Her

You know what they say: Vote Your Ossoff.

Willow Palin Buys Drugs In Target Parking Lot

Important political magazine Life & Style (is this that Tina Brown/Newsweek thing?) just sent us a very important news update on Willow Palin, the hot teen sensation of Discovery Channel's new travel video, White Trash On Drugz. According to...

Your Labor Day Explainer Of Why None Of Us Have Jobs

On Friday, Ben Bernanke delivered a speech at Jackson Hole, in which he either said something that was very good news, or alternatively, said something very disappointing and you should get used to eating cat food and stealing WiFi....

GOP OUTRAGED: Black Lady Political Journalist Writing Book About Black Politicians!

These black people, they just don't know when to stop, do they? First, a black lady managed to become a "political journalist" at PBS. Then a (half) black fellow managed to become the Democratic nominee for president, of America...

If Dr. Oz Can’t Sell You A Bunch Of Quack Weight-Loss Cures, The Terrorists Have Already Won

Dr. Mehmet Oz, (who knew he had a first name?) the ubiquitous teevee shiller of weight-loss supplements and One Weird Tricks, got to take a trip up to Capitol Hill yesterday to get yelled at by some senators for...

This Is What Salvation Must Be Like, After a While

Bird-Pig-Mexican Flu! Oh Mayan God of Horror, we are all going to die from this fucking Mexican flu, like it wasn't bad enough that we lost 40% on our investments since last year, and our houses are worth negative-nothing-infinity,...

Hillary Clinton Aide Invites Buzzfeed Reporter To Do Sexual Congress Elsewhere

In a shocking display of online rudeness unmatched since the time Ari Fleischer told Helen Thomas "Tits or GTFO," Buzzfeed reports that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's occasionally-poetic* press aide, Philippe Reines, got into an email pissing match with...

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Painfully Obvious Advice Edition

Let's start with the best Sunday New York Times news of all: Thomas Friedman has the week off. There's also news about how there's no news about the missing plane and a reminder that your March Madness bracket is...
Oh bother, oh Baphomet.

Christian Town In Michigan Being Ensorcelled By Atheist Demon-Man, Smallfolk Panick

The malign presence of Mitch Kahle, a confessed atheist witch-demon, has placed the Goodchristian town of Norton Shores, Michigan, in a Peril of losing its magick protections against evil. Kahle has already used his darck maege powers to beguile the...

Another Black Chief Executive Jumps Into Herman Cain’s Presidential Race

Less than three years after delivering a rousing speech at the 2008 Democratic National Convention that prompted glowing reviews from pundits and attention the world over, rising political star "Barack Obama" of Illinois has announced he's running for president...

Meet Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Guest Editor of RedState

Barack Obama and Bundesrepublik Deutschland Wurstdame Angela Merkel had an awkward relationship in the '80s, but now they are willing to put the past behind them and cut a deal. Prediction: Merkel gets AIG and Obama gets to massage...

NATO Is Dumb About Facts!

Oh man, NATO has earned itself the ire of smartass AP writers -- you know this must be bad! First sentence: "It seems NATO may also stand for Not All That Observant." EASY NOW, easy. It turns out the...