US of America News

You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is 'never get involved in a land war in Asia'

Lindsey Graham Got Confirmed Bachelor All Over The Undercard Debate, Buttercup

Lindsey Graham seems to have finally resigned himself to the cold hard reality that he has about as much chance of becoming the Republican nominee for president as he does of getting cast in Magic Mike III, so he...

Is The New York Times Actually … SORRY … For Being Bad At Journalism?

In an incredible deep dive into Russian hacking of the 2016 election, the Times sort of seems to acknowledge the media's role in elevating Putin's puppet to the presidency.

BREAKING! Bill Clinton’s Old F*ckpal Will NOT Be Donald Trump’s Debate Guest!

You don't bring me Flowers anymore.

Donald Trump Can’t Wait To Ignore Today’s Intelligence Briefing On Russian Hacking

Everything you need to know about the latest developments in the Russian hacking story!

Trump Labor Pick Andy Pudzer Outsources Nomination To Robot

Looks like Trump may not get the grifty jerk he wanted to be Secretary of Labor. Where will he ever find another grifty jerk?
They ain't smilin' no more.

Let’s Watch Bernie, Hillary And Trump Make History In The New York Primary!

By our abacus, there are just a few more hours before the polls close in the New York Primary at 9 PM. What will happen? We do not know, that is in the future! But you are so confused, because...

Cher Stumping For Hillary Clinton Is Bestest Thing Your Gay Ass Will See All Week

We nominate Cher as Hillary's official Secretary Of Talkin' Sh*t.
And you should resign, too

Genius DNC Staffer Who Suggested Painting Bernie Sanders As Atheist Can Go To Very Religious Hell

One of the leaked DNC emails shows party operatives floated the idea of hinting Bernie Sanders was an atheist. Good lord, that was stupid.
Derp.

Marco Rubio Was Locked And Loaded For Christmas, In Case ISIS Came Down The Chimney

In the hearts, minds and soiled panties of America's Republicans, ISIS is lurking around every single corner, down every alley, and having a cookout in every good Christian cul-de-sac in U.S. America. That is, when it's not having rough,...

Hey Cleveland, Ready To Have A Drinky With Yr Wonkette This Sunday? Yes, You Are!

Also, we still need a place to stay in Cleveland. Do not make us pay a million ameros for an AirBNB that does not exist, please.
Huh. Maybe we shoulda gone with a pony?

Deleted Comments AND Bonus Sunday Puzzler: Donald Trump Is No Racist! He Gave Millions To Charity!

Hey, no one who claims he gave millions to charity could be racist, even if he was lying about the millions.

BREAKING! Gay-Hatin’ Kentucky Judge And His Wife Are *Not* Banging Their Houseboy, Nosario

Judge Tim Philpot says gay marriage is just like jumbo shrimp and magnificent chihuahuas. THOSE THINGS AREN'T EVEN REAL!
You guys have any submissions for a new COTW logo?

In Wonket’s Commenting Prizes, Everyone’s A Winner, Except The Losers

Happy Friday, Kids! We actually have a veritable plethora of commenting prizes this week, thanks to our having the brilliant idea of holding contest-like things. So before we get to our regular ol' Comment of the Week, we must...
He's not a Muslim, so let's not worry too much OK?

Heavily Armed Guy On Way To Los Angeles Pride Parade Merely Violent Gun Nut, Not Scary Terrorist

An Indiana man arrested on his way to LA's Pride parade with a car full of assault rifles and explosives was merely an ordinary gun freak who was violating probation, nothing to worry about there. Besides, a friend said he didn't have any ill will toward gay people. Relax, will you?

AARP Tells GOP To Get That Filthy TrumpCare Off Its Lawn

With global warming, there aren't even enough ice floes to strand the old folks on.
You don't bring me flowers...you don't sing me love songs...

Dinesh D’Souza’s Favorite Candidate Takes On Amy Schumer’s Cousin: Your Senate Sunday

Let's all try to get excited about Chuck Schumer! Or at least laugh at Dinesh D'Souza one more time.