Guns

12. Years. Old.

Tamir Rice’s Family Gets $6 Million Settlement, Not Their Kid Back

The city of Cleveland has settled a wrongful death lawsuit in the police shooting of 12-year-old Tamir Rice for $6 million, so everything is OK now we guess. Tamir was shot dead by officer Timothy Loehmann in November 2014,...
Is that a Glock in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

Austria Considering Far Right President, Because You Know Who Else Hated Immigrants?

In case you were feeling down on America for flirting with one Mr. Donald J. Trump, fear not! There are other countries to feel bad about (while continuing to feel bad about America, because WTF, America? Donald Trump? REALLY!?)! Say...
GO AWAY, DILDO PRESENTS!

Big Surprise: Bundy Militia Dildo Bros Loved To Intimidate Local Sheriffs

One of the biggest disappointments for the Bundy Militia Freedom Insurgents was, of course, their complete failure to rally the people of Oregon, or even of Harney County, to flock to the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge to join their...
Just listen to those sons of beaches go

Virgin Islands GOP Delegate Meeting Escalates Quickly

A meeting of U.S. Virgin Islands Republicans went a little nutso Saturday, complete with shouting matches, screams for points of order, and at least one delegate getting shoved to the ground, allegedly. While the clusterfuck was due to political...
Help me, Jon Stewart, you're my only hope!

Bundy Gang Get Their Day In Court, As If ‘Courts’ Have Any Jurisdiction On Bundy Gang

Say! It has been a while since we checked in with Friends of Wonkette the Bundys, the gun totin’, pocket-constitution-waving, cow-farming poop-trench-fillers. How are they doing in federal custody while awaiting trial for shenanigans in two states? Not that well!...
Careful photo-analysis shows Rafael Cruz on congas

Perfectly Sane ‘Researcher’ Just Asking If Ted Cruz’s Jerk Daddy Killed Kennedy (Yes)

We can think of about nine bajillion reasons Ted Cruz shouldn't be president, but here's one we hadn't considered: Maybe his dry-drunk daddy was part of a CIA plot to assassinate John F. Kennedy!!! The shocking conspiracy theory comes...

White Idiots With Guns Meet Black Panthers With Guns, Retreat And Declare Perfect Victory

Back in November we told you about the brave Real Americans with Guns who kept Texas from being overrun by Sharia Law through the simple act of hanging around outside a mosque, holding guns, so that nobody in the...

Superlawyer Larry Klayman Can’t Represent Armed Bundy Gang, Probably Because Judge Is On Rag

A bitch judge who is probably totally on the rag won't let Larry Klayman represent Cliven Bundy and his misshapen sons, because she says Larry Klayman is bad at law and lied to her and misrepresents everything and did...

Capitol On Lockdown, Republicans Want To Bring Guns To RNC Knife-Fight. TOTALLY NORMAL.

The US Capitol -- and the White House too! -- is on lockdown just because someone decided to exercise their Second Amendment all over the visitor center. Emails telling all staff to shelter in place -- and, if you're...
This would fix everything

Shame If Someone Had To Shoot SCOTUS Nominee To Teach Him About Second Amendment

In case you were wondering if we have reached peak foaming-at-the-mouth outrage yet over President Obama's Supreme Court nominee, hahaha, aren't you adorable? We have, however, reached the part of our civilized national debate where Very Concerned Citizens casually...
Granny's got a gun

NRA Adds Actual Fairy Tales To Usual Lineup Of Gun Fantasies

We just love a good conservative children's story, or we suppose we would, if we ever found a good one. So far, though, we keep finding a lot of moralistic twaddle, such as rhyming fables about the torments of...

Nevada Dongwhistle Michele Fiore Actually Running For United States Congress, Hooray!

We told you in November that Nevada assembly-lady Michele Fiore, whose boobs are as locked and loaded as her massive gun collection (and she's not afraid to use them!), was threatening to run for Congress. But way back when, it...
Ecce Pistolium

Bristol Palin Delighted By How Well Kids And Guns Play Together

Bristol Palin, the Little Flower of Uninformed Commentary, has some thoughts about an "experiment" done by a TV station -- so you know it has excellent research value! -- about kids-n-guns. Waterloo, Iowa teevee station KWWL did a little...
He may or may not get to have a word with the Framers about original intent.

Dead Scalia Already Making America Great Again

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia's corpse has not been rotting long enough for us to miss him yet because that's never going to happen, even if we live for a thousand years. But his death is already having some wondrous consequences...
cat on table with paw on a handgun

This Week’s Mass Shootings Not Spectacular Enough To Mention At GOP Debate

We had another mass shooting right here in U.S. America, resulting in four deaths (including the shooter) and 14 wounded, just hours before the Republican debate Thursday night. This particular massacre wasn't spectacular enough to merit a mention at...

Sandy Hook Parents Murdering Poor Gunmaker, With The Law

So it has been over three years since Adam Lanza shot 20 students and 6 staff at Sandy Hook Elementary, a thing so grim that we can't even make a joke about it, which is saying something. If there...