there's that appleheaded vagina mouth we love so much

Donald Trump Doing Terrific With Dudes Who Cheated On Their Wives

Sure, it's one thing to win the approval of neo-Nazis, the former grand imperial poobah of the KKK, and Scott Baio. But Donald Trump is also making inroads with Very Serious Republicans who are Very Serious about family values -- when...
A leader of little green plastic men

War Hero Donald Trump Was Most Terrific War Hero In Prep School

We finally know why Donald Trump never cared so much for war guys who got captured: When he was in the military, he never got captured, so why should he think all that much of guys who were? Now,...
This screengrab is mean as fuck, we are sorry. No we're not.

Fox Twit Elisabeth Hasselbeck: It’s Obama’s Fault We Have To Hate Muslims, Thanks Obama!

Twice-baked halfwit Elisabeth Hasselbeck hasn't vacated the Fox News studios yet, even though she PROMISED she was quitting to go spend more time making PB&J for her Hassel-spawn, and less time helping her cohosts Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade...

Cops To Gamergate Victims: Call Back If You Get Shot

NEWSFLASH!!! Women harassed and threatened online!!! Law enforcement advises constant vigilance and voting in midterm elections.

Maybe ‘Defend The Klan’ Wasn’t The *Best* ‘Persuasive Writing’ Assignment For Seventh Graders

This charter school teacher for Trump's Secretary of Education!
They call themselves His People. Weird.

Jesus-Loving Cop Fired, Just For Loving Jesus Too Much

Know that thing when you are driving down the interstate in Indiana on the way to the big sale at the Big Lots, and you're late? So you figure, whatever, I will drive a little faster, because big sales...

Donald Trump And Angela Merkel Met And All We Got Was This Unending Shame

Donald Trump and Angela Merkel - WORST DATE EVER!
Fap fap fap

Let’s Gay-Marry Canada’s Hot New Prime Minister And Let Him Try To Get Us Pregnant

Oh, did everyone hear that Canada, which is apparently somewhere near Detroit, had a big election Monday? Canadian voters went to the polls and decided either to vote for liberal hopey changey good times, or maybe they just picked...

Memphis Principal Biblesplains Jerkoff Racist White Guy (But In A Good Way)

White jerk bitches to school principal about baby receiving diploma for murdered teen mom. Principal is having NONE OF IT Y'ALL.

Poll: Trump Supporters Simply Can’t Wait To Celebrate White History Month!

On the bright side, only 7% of the country thinks we should invade Mexico.
American Icon

Court Says Bill O’Reilly’s Kids Don’t Have To Live With Terrible Monster Bill O’Reilly

We'd forgotten about that time human-shaped ambulatory turd sack Bill O'Reilly lost custody of his kids, for allegedly beating up their mom in front of them. Of course O'Reilly insisted these scandalous accusations were "100% false," and damn the damned dirty...

Gather Round, For Breitbart’s David Horowitz Is To Tell Us All About Blackness

First David Horowitz came for the Jews, and I said nothing, because eh, it's David Horowitz. Then he came for the black people, and I was like seriously, you sure you wanna do that, buddy?

Erase 2014 And Start 2015 With A Splitting Headache: Monkey Ball Dropper Cocktail

How about a tall, strong one for New Year's Eve? And a cocktail, too. Do you have some of these ice sphere molds? We're going to make a big cocktail in a pint glass, chilled by one of those ice...

Tales Of Restaurant Injuries And Explosions

Welcome back to Off The Menu, where we bring you the best and strangest food stories from my email inbox. We've got an unusual topic for regular readers: stories of injuries suffered in the line of duty. Also, at...