Florida Correspondent

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Ben Carson Is Black, Wants His Consolation Prize, Send Money Please

If you believe dumb things like polls and election results and reality, you probably believe that Ben Carson, who kicked some serious ass on his way to a not-last-place finish last night in Nevada and who may or may not...
Dumber than a speeding bullet

I Came, I Saw, I Got The F*ck Out: Your (Final) Florida Roundup

Dearest Wonks, There’s a confession Yr Florida Correspondent needs to get off his chest: Yr Florida Correspondent does not actually live in Florida, and has not for some months now. Instead, the day job has drawn me to North Carolina,...
Adventures in Sucking Up: The Florida Edition

Rick Scott Is Just Like Mother Teresa: Your Florida Roundup

We were worried for a moment there that after last week’s absolute and undeniable perfection, Yr Florida Roundup would have nowhere to go but down. And this turned out to be true, sorry. But we do have this wonderful...

Here It Is, The Most Florida Headline To Ever Florida: Your Florida Roundup

We will begin this week’s roundup with a headline that is too perfect, too resplendent, too quintessentially Floridian, for words: Gunshot victim dropped off at Walmart instead of hospital But because Yr Wonkette pays Yr Florida Correspondent to do words, let...

It Was A Bad Week To Go To The Grocery Store: Your Florida Roundup

Florida, for all of its many demerits, has one thing going for it: Publix, a chain of truly excellent grocery stores that stretches throughout the Southeast (Protip: There is no sub quite like a Publix deli sub). But every...

Lady Beaters, Fetus Shooters And Bar Fights: Your Florida Roundup (Is Extra Violent This Week)

Good morning/afternoon/whenever the Wonkette overlords click PUBLISH! This week’s Roundup is brought to you from our couch, because it is way too fuckin’ hot to go outside. (Bring on the Little Ice Age already.) We are going to spend some...
Save yo Confederate money, boys, the South gon’ rise ’gain.

Dumb Florida Rednecks Don’t Give A Sh*t, Gonna Hoist Them Stars And Bars

Perhaps you remember that unfortunate incident in South Carolina last month — you know, when that racist, Confederate-flag-waving shit-for-brains kid shot up a black church for being so very black and stealing the women he couldn’t get and whatever...
Everybody ride that dinosaur

Our Terribleness Is ‘Staggeringly Impressive’: Your Florida Roundup

Thrillist, which is a website you would read if you didn’t spend every waking moment not already set aside for 8-balls and hookers staring lovingly Yr Wonket, puts together these dumb lists every now and again, as websites do....
The South Gon’ Rise Again (in a not-racist way this time, honest)

Flatworms, Flesh-Eating Bacteria And Rick Scott (But We Repeat Ourselves): Your Florida Roundup

Greeting, Wonketteers. Are you ready to take a well-deserved break from your buttsechs gay marriage orgies and sojourn with me down to Your Very Favorite Land of Snakes and Swamps, a dystopian hellscape that not even Wes Anderson could...
Jeb! Jeb!! Jeb!!! JEB!!!!

Is This Thing Loaded? Only One Way To Find Out: Your Florida Roundup

Florida, being a state with basement-level IQs (but no basements), does its fair share to compete in the Darwin Awards. And this week is no different. Allow us to present Exhibit A: the late Charles Cooper, 49, of Volusia...
Actually set in Florida, true story

Oh Hey There’s A Shark In The Middle Of The Road, Guess The State: Your Florida Roundup

Let us take a break from the perpetual celebration of the arrival of Editrix Jr., our future overlord, peace be upon her, to remind ourselves that all is not so precious and beautiful in the world, and places like...
This story has Bearing Arms AND Baring Arms in it!

Send Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Mentally Ill Kentuckians: Your Florida Roundup

Greetings, Wonketeers, from America’s Sam’s Cola, a state so strange and wondrous that all kinds of people are just dying to move here, and then some of them die here, because they are old. One of our newest denizens...

Step Right Up And Get Your Vaginal Probe: Your Florida Roundup

So you guys already know how dumb Florida is. But can you imagine how dumb Florida’s community colleges are? No you cannot. Here, have a gander: Two Florida college students say they were forced to submit to vaginal probes as...
Remember, kids, guns don’t kill people, people kill people (with guns)

Let’s Shoot Up A School Bus On Our Way To The Gun Show: Your Florida Roundup

  Is there an image that better sums up Florida? No, there is not. The story behind this is quite sad — two young girls were shot on a school bus; their injuries are thankfully not life-threatening — and not really...

We’re Being Invaded By Reptilians! (Not Just Rick Scott!) Your Florida Roundup

It’s been a banner week for Florida Man, that marvelous, mystical creature that haunts our waking dreams and provides us with an endless supply of hilarity and rage. Let’s dive right in! We’ll begin with what is obviously the most...

Florida Is Completely F*cked, The Legislative Edition! Your Florida Roundup.

Florida , noun: 1) A callous, avaricious swampland of greed and dumb run by bible-thumpers and hucksters the state’s residents aren't smart enough to vote out of office, no matter how badly they fuck them over. We’ll begin this edition...