Blair Burke

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Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

Michelle Obama Announces Historic 300,000 People Exercising

"Remember all those kids doing jumping jacks at the White House in October?" wondered this story. We obviously did not, but here is a reminder: A few months ago, our FLOTUS decided to teach children the value of exercise...

Michelle Obama Reads Christmas Stories With Kermit, Malia Acts Bored

'Twas the Christmas Tree-Lighting Time at the White House last Thursday night, and this year's theme was "Controversy and Nostalgia." Controversy, because for the first time since the debut of Dallas, there was a new tree at the...

Michele Bachmann Somehow Unaware She Is Not Michelle Obama

At this point in the week, maybe you have stopped having panic dreams about Michelle Obama dougie-ing into your kitchen to kidnap your pecan pie. She has certainly moved on from our National Day of Obesity and Forgotten Genocide,...

Michelle Obama Survives Inevitable Taunting From NASCAR Slobs

It wasn't exactly clear what Michelle Obama did to get sent to what is probably the equivalent of Gitmo, for people who care about their health, but mean old Barry banished our FLOTUS to a NASCAR event on Sunday...

Michelle Obama Punished With NASCAR Race In Everglades

Our Michelle Obama just likes to surprise us every day, mostly with bad news about how we're all killing ourselves, eating things that are probably not classified as "food" by any branch of science. But she also likes to...

Expert Fun-Ruiner Barack Obama Outlaws Personalized Mugs

Useless promotional gear is an important part of American culture. After all, the Founding Fathers were all wearing Ovaltine sweatshirts and Livestrong bracelets when they created this country, which is probably why Barack Obama is now doing everything he...

Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet

By now, we are all aware of Michelle Obama's "Let's Move!" initiative, the thing where government officials sneak into your children's bedrooms in the middle of the night and steal the donuts from under their pillows, leaving behind a...

Evil Obama Destroys FLOTUS’ Healthy Halloween

The holidays are a difficult time for any couple. In America, "the holidays" usually refers to that special time of year when the baby Jesus returns to cast spells on all the Walmarts so he can watch insane sweatpants-clad...

Immigrants Doomed To Seek Refuge In Horrible Dayton, Ohio

Immigrants in this country are facing a whole list of problems these days, one of those problems being, of course, the insane people and laws that seek to force them out of their homes. Luckily, the timing on this...

Michelle Obama Takes Break From Bicep Curls to Learn Twitter (VIDEO)

Your regular installment of the FLOTUS Files was postponed this week, as your FLOTUS correspondent was kidnapped and is currently being held hostage in socialist/communist/generally terrible France, which is somehow Michelle Obama's favorite and least favorite place of all...

FLOTUS Moments Away From Creating Actual Army of Obese Children

Our FLOTUS had her fun last week, when she went for a casual walk through a Target store even though she wasn't fooling anyone. Now she is back to her normal business, which means she is hanging out...

Topeka Gov’t Wonders, ‘Legalize It?’ About Domestic Violence

Many Americans have long argued that the decriminalization of certain routine behaviors would provide economic relief to local governments that spend gazillions of dollars throwing people in jail for doing things that really shouldn't be such a big deal....

Michelle Obama’s Trip to Target Was Basically a Lie

Our FLOTUS is very fortunate, because there is no Wall Street Insanity, in her world. Michelle Obama lives a much calmer existence, in a place where simple questions ("Where do fat people come from?") have simple answers ("Arby's")....

FLOTUS Builds House for Women Vets With Space-Age Vegetable Machine

Twinkie and french fry enthusiasts (or, "The American People") often forget that our FLOTUS has another cause, besides constructing a genocide against slob children. But she does, and this cause is The Troops, because nutritious lifestyle initiatives have turned...

Here Is Your 2011 Demon Sheep Ad, This Time With Chupacabras

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Di9Attkt7BU#! There is that saying, about imitation and flattery and whatever, but all we know is that here is another insane campaign commercial starring a bunch of demon creatures, not unlike the beloved Demon Sheep of Carly Fiorina, circa 2010....

Michelle Obama Tricks Obese Into Boycotting The Olive Garden

Who is the latest casualty in Michelle Obama's war against calories and fun? Prepare yourselves, because this one is a huge blow to this country's Proud Obese and their important culture and lifestyle: the Darden Restaurant Corporation is what...