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Damn Senate Judiciary Committee Republicans for dumping every document they have on the June 9, 2016, Trump Tower Treason Meeting between Donald Trump Jr., Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner, and a passel of Russian spies, in a clear effort to get Fox News to wave around 2,500 pages of testimony and say, “SEE? IT’S A NOTHINGBURGER!”

Senate Judiciary Democrats are not pleased with this document dump from an incomplete investigation, although they point out that it’s certainly not the nothingburger Chuck Grassley would like it to be.

There is no way we can read all of this right now, but we can read some of it, so we’ve chosen to focus on the testimony of the Big Dumb Dipshit himself, Donald Trump Jr., who was sooooooo SEXCITED when he heard the Russians wanted to give him delicious dirts on Hillary Clinton, but then got disappointed like a common Donald Trump Jr. after his dad forgets his birthday and also his existence, upon realizing the Russians weren’t going to give him that much dirty shit on Hillary Clinton, at least not that day. Tough break as always, Junior! Maybe you should have gone and cried about it to that pop singer lady you were boning behind your wife’s back!

To be clear, the committee released testimonies from LOTS OF PEOPLE. The transcript from Rob Goldstone, the British music promoter who acted as the go-between, setting up the meeting in Trump Tower on behalf of the oligarch Aras Agalarov and his mediocre pop star son Emin, looks particularly interesting, and maybe we’ll get to that later this afternoon. (Goldstone memorably promised Hillary dirt as part of Russia’s campaign to help elect Trump, and Dipshit Junior responded, “If it’s what you say, I love it!”)

As WaPo reports, the testimony from Rinat Akhmetshin, a Russian-American lobbyist who’s probably a spy, states that Donald Trump Jr. began the meeting by literally jizzing himself over how the Russians were there to do conspiracies with him. (OK, maybe he didn’t LITERALLY jizz. But he probably did.)

“‘I believe you have some information for us,’ ” Akhmetshin recalled the president’s son telling [lawyer Natalia] Veselnitskaya.

Goldstone testified that he too expected Veselnitskaya would deliver a “smoking gun” to help Trump’s campaign. He testified that he was embarrassed and apologetic when she instead used the session to press her view that the sanctions imposed on Russia for human rights abuses, known as the Magnitsky Act, should be lifted.

Yeah, goddammit, what were they there for, some kind of stupid meeting about BOUNCY RUSSIAN BABIES? (You’ll remember that all of the initial excuses for this meeting were that they were only there to talk about BOUNCY RUSSIAN BABIES. You’ll also remember that the bouncy baby talk is code for lifting Russian sanctions, which seems like the other side of the quid pro quo for Russia’s assistance in the election.)

Here is the testimony we’ll be looking at, if you’d like to follow along.

The main themes we will see in here are that Donald Trump Jr. does not recall any sorts of things about this meeting, and that he’s pretty sure he never told his dad about it, though he does not recall. And was that private number he called between Russian conspiracy phone calls his dad’s blocked number? He does not recall.

Know who we bet does recall? Robert Mueller. And also Donald Trump Jr., if he weren’t almost certainly lying out of his dumb ugly face hole.

Ready? LET’S READ!

12:41: For our first update, we will BRB, because Jesus Lord, we need more coffee for this shit.

12:54: In Junior’s opening statement to the committee, he states for the record that, though he was surprised Rob Goldstone was reaching out so Russians could give him dirt on Hillary, he figured he should definitely find out what it was! Then he says he was very disappointed when it was just about bouncy Russian babies. :(

Moreover, he says he only said “I love it,” in response to the offer of Russian dirts on Hillary because that’s what everybody says and he was just being polite and saying thank you, for the kind offer of Russian Hillary dirts. (pp. 16-17)

12:58: Junior says he didn’t tell Paul Manafort or Jared Kushner it was a Russian conspiracy meeting, because we guess he wanted it to be a surprise. (p. 18)

1:01: Because the Russian lady lawyer didn’t give them any good Hillary dirts, Junior concludes his opening statement by saying NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, YOU ARE THE COLLUSION, the end. (p. 20)

1:05: Q. Why were you not surprised when Rob Goldstone said the treason meeting was part of Russia’s support for your daddy?

A. Oh I don’t know, I guess I’m just not a very surprised boy!

1:08: On page 26, investigators introduce Exhibit 2 (all the exhibits are right here), which is redacted in the release, but is a record of the Obamaphone of Donald Trump Jr. from that day. It shows that on June 6 at 4:04 PM, he got a phone call from Emin Agalarov, about what fun it would be to do a treason meeting with Russia. It’s unclear whether he answered it, or whether it was a voicemail, because it was a very short call. Twenty-five minutes later, he called that same number. But in between, there was a call to a blocked number, of the sort used by HIS DAD. Did you, Donald Trump Jr., call your dad on his blocked number to ask him if he had permission to do a Russian treason meeting in Trump Tower? DID HE?

Junior dunno, he cannot recall.

1:23: Q. What else did you do during the 25 minutes between your two calls to Emin?

A. Yanked it.

1:27: BULLSHIT.

We are supposed to believe an idiot who works two floors away from his dad, who craves his dad’s approval as much as Junior does, would not tell his dad that the Russians were coming and they were promising dirty collusion dirt on Hillary Clinton.

Eat me, Junior.

1:35: On page 33, Junior claims he had absolutely no idea Emin Agalarov or his dad, the very Kremlin-connected oligarch Aras Agalarov, AKA “Putin’s Builder,” might have ties to the Kremlin. Eat me again, Junior.

1:38: Junior says he does not remember seeing this email from Aras Agalarov, months before the treason meeting, but says that if he had read it — it was sent to him and to Rhona Graff, Daddy’s longtime assistant — he would have interpreted it as “casual congratulations,” and not any big deal like powerful Kremlin-connected Russians supporting his dad for president, like it says:

1:42: Q. When you got that email saying a powerful Russian government lawyer was coming to you bringing you delicious Snausages full of dirt on Hillary Clinton, who did you think you would be meeting with?

A. I did not know!

Q. You must be pretty dumb.

A. Everybody is always saying!

1:45: On page 38, Junior just cannot recall if there was an eighth person at the meeting, name of Rinat Akhmetshin, who literally testified to the committee about his presence at the meeting. Maybe that is because Russian spies are VERY SNEAKY.

1:48: And now we are getting into a section where the investigator is going down a rabbit hole about how the Russian lady lawyer was “working with Fusion GPS,” because Republicans are fucking idiots who think that because Fusion GPS, a private intel firm, had more than one client at one time, and that because Fusion GPS assisted an American law firm on a case Natalia Veselnitskaya was also on, that means CONSPIRACY!!!!11!!!!!111!GHAZI HILLARY CLINTON IS THE REAL COLLUSION!

Fucking corn-obsessed morons like Senator Chuck Grassley, chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, are pretty sure this conspiracy theory is true. Senate Judiciary fucked this very chicken to death when they interviewed Glenn Simpson, head of Fusion GPS.

As it is obviously a bunch of a horseshit, we are going to skip this part entirely, because we really goddamn hate stupid people.

1:52: Hey, here’s a thing while we are busy skipping that part, about how nobody can remember how long Jared Kushner was in the room, because he is also very sneaky like Russian spy.

2:01: Junior says he DID communicate with Ike Kaveladze, another Russian at the meeting, before that fateful day, but he didn’t realize it, because he didn’t know “Ike” was short for “Irakly,” kind of like not making the connection between “Dick” and “Richard.” Junior does not explain why he didn’t make the connection between “Kaveladze” and “also Kaveladze.” Also says he did not know Ike was a big accused Russian money laundry man.

2:28: At the end of the meeting, Rob Goldstone said he was very sorry to Junior, because he knew Junior was so excited to do Russian conspiracies against Hillary, but then he didn’t get to do any at the meeting:

We are beginning to think Junior had literally no idea what was going on in that room. Shoulda sent Ivanka.

2:31: Oh by the way, Rob Goldstone was also involved in trying to pitch the campaign to do some collusion with the Russian VK social media site, to reach Russian-American voters. Junior does not recall this.

2:35: Q. Look at this article from the New York Times, when we first learned about your treason meeting with the Russians. Why did you tell NYT you hadn’t met with any Russians during the campaign?

A. Well, I didn’t know they meant THOSE Russians.

2:41: Q. Mister Junior Idiot, you have had approximately nine different explanations about this Russian treason meeting. Why all the different lies?

A. No they are all the same lies. (p. 59)

2:43: Q. Did your dad write the original lie statement about your treason meeting?

A. Nuh uh.

Four seconds later:

Q. Did your dad write the original lie statement about your treason meeting?

A. Maybe he told Hope Hicks what to say.

Q. Did your dad’s Hope Hicks words end up in the statement?

A. Maaaaaaaaaaybe.

Q. Did you talk to your dad about it?

A. No, I didn’t want to talk to him, because he didn’t even know about the meeting, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, HILLARY IS THE OBSTRUCTION COLLUSION!

2:49: The questioners then ask Junior if he has met a whole passel of people who were on the Trump campaign and/or working for Russia. Junior does not recall most of them, but he guesses he could have met them but he doesn’t remember. Also, he was promised Capri Sun during this interview. Can he have some Capri Sun?

2:52: Democrats are questioning now, and one of their first questions is “Did you keep a calendar during the campaign?” Junior’s answer was literally, “I imagine very generally” that he had a calendar. Cannot imagine why you’d need to hedge on that one, dipshit!

2:56: Q. You got an email with the subject line “Russia-Clinton, private and confidential.” You really did not share that with your chief Russian conspirator Paul Manafort?

A. PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL MEANS IT’S A SECRET.

3:00: Hahahaha, Junior’s mob lawyer Alan Futerfas does not like it when you refer to Russia’s offer of assistance to the Trump campaign as an offer of assistance from Russia to the Trump campaign! Unfair!

3:03: Junior was not alarmed by the offer of assistance from Russia to the Trump campaign, because he didn’t even think about it when he got the email, not that offers of assistance from Russia to the Trump campaign were so commonplace that it was like “HO HUM,” it’s just that he didn’t think about it. Except he might have thought about it. But probably not. And when he said “If it’s what you say, I love it” in response to the offer of assistance from Russia to the Trump campaign, he only said that because he’s a very loving person.

3:08: Q. WHAT DID YOU LOVE, JUNIOR? WHAT WAS THE “IT”?

A. Um, the Russian offer of dirty helps?

Q. DIRTY HELPS ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON?

A. Duh. Wait, I mean NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, YOU ARE THE COLLUSION!

Q. DO YOU LOVE COLLUSION, JUNIOR?

A. I don’t recall.

3:11: Q. Do you understand why conspiring with Russia to influence an election is bad, Junior?

A. IF HELPING MY DADDY IS BAD, I DON’T WANNA BE GOOD.

3:15: Q. But Junior, why wouldn’t you tell your Daddy about something you loved, especially later in the summer?

A. I had to make sure I really loved it first!

(p. 85)

3:17: OH EAT MY DICK AGAIN, JUNIOR. Here he is claiming that he doesn’t even know if his dad uses blocked numbers. Either that means his dad calls him even less than we think (sad!) or he’s LYING.

For the record, Katy Tur reported this afternoon on MSNBC that she has gotten calls from Daddy Trump, and yes, of fucking course he uses blocked numbers.

3:22: Q. Junior, you said you didn’t know who this Arlington, VA, number is, the one that starts with 703. Do you know now?

A. Nah.

Q. Well we Googled it and it is Paul Manafort.

A. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, huh! Google is pretty neat! (p. 89)

3:25: Q. Junior, the weekend after you started setting up the meeting, you have two calls with Paul Manafort.

A. REALLLLLY?

Q. Also a call on Sunday, to a 917 number. You know whose that is?

A. I don’t recall.

Q. IT’S YOUR FUCKING BROTHER-IN-LAW’S NUMBER.

A. REALLLLLLLY?

3:30: We are going to go out on a limb here and say Donald Trump Jr. is 100% completely full of shit, and that he’s clinging to his cover story like it’s a gun or a Bible, and that his dad and Paul Manafort and Jared knew exactly what this meeting was about.

Is it necessary to even liveblog the rest of this thing?

3:33: Q. So you didn’t tell your dad about the meeting, ever?

A. Right.

Q. Was he surprised when he found out about it.

A. Not that I recall.

(!!!!!!!)

4:12: We’re probably gonna wrap this thing up soon and let y’all finish reading it if you want, because come on, over four hours of reading Donald Trump Jr. calls for hazard pay, but do you know how all those extra Russians got up to the Trump Tower Treason meeting? Well, you see, they were with Mr. Goldstone, and he had an appointment. And why did they not screen the Russians for “ARE YOU A SPY?” No need to! All Russians get in, we are guessing!

4:16: Q. So they really didn’t give you any dirty Hillary dirts at the meeting?

A. i WAS TOO DUMB TO UNDERSTAND THE HILLARY DIRTS.

4:19: Basically, the point of all this is that the Russian government was there to give him sexxxy Hillary dirts, but he didn’t understand the dirts, so he got bored, and then he stomped out because they didn’t give him the kind of dirts he wanted.

Perhaps he wanted hacked emails.

4:20: Oh, this is actually important. Junior claims that if they had given him real Hillary dirts, he MIGHT have gone to law enforcement, to tattle on the Russians for giving him the Hillary dirts he wanted in the first place.

4:25: Q. Right before this meeting happened, your dad said he was going to give a big speech featuring all kinds of dirty Hillary dirts. You still stickin’ with your story about how you didn’t tell him about this meeting?

A. Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Q. Did your dad know about the meeting at that point?

A. I don’t recall. No. I don’t recall. I don’t recall. No.

4:35: Awwwwwww, Junior tries to be cute at one point while they’re discussing call logs, and says a “646” number that called him is his “real boss,” and when they ask him to clarify, he says that’s his wife, and we think that’s funny because she’s divorcing his ass right now LOLOLOLOLOLOL life comes at you fast.

And on that goddamn note, it has been four hours, and that is long enough to endure Donald Trump Jr., good night and good luck, please click the buttons below to tip your bartenders bigly, and we will see you next time we see you, which is not this week, because we are OFF THOSE DAYS, BYE FUCKERS!

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